I think I will start posting everyday that my depression acts up.
Ive been depressed since I was 3 years old on and off. It’s really quite odd though to think of a depressed three year old. Lately I’ve been getting worse though. I thought I had been cured of my depression for a while because I hadn’t felt it there. I think the reason I’m feeling depressed is because I stopped taking my antidepressants for a few days…. I know, not a smart choice.
Im gonna see my therapist at one o’clock today.
I haven’t seriously thought of suicide. I’ve cut myself quite badly though. The wounds are healing up nicely though. I’ve thought about how everyone would be better off without me. How I’ve ruined my family. I don’t deserve any of the people in my life because they are too good for me. I’ve thought of breaking up with my boyfriend because I love him so much that I know that losing him would surely kill me. He is too cleaver for that though. He would figure out that I’m sad again and try to help me. I have the most wonderful boyfriend in the world, I love him more than anything, he is the only reason im alive. Lately ive been wishing he would break up with me, ive tried to break up with him before but it never works, we both end up in tears and telling each other how much we love each other.The reason i wish we would break up is that i want to kill myself. i know i can not kill myself if he is in my life and still loves me. I wish i could just commit suicide and get it over with but i dont. I don’t want help anymore. I’ve tried to kill myself several times… Too many to count…. And I usually will end up in the pyhc unit at the hospital, costing my parents a small fortune (I’m 17). If I fail to kill myself I wouldn’t be able to cope with the consequences. That is why I am too scared to kill myself. I’m pathetic. I wish death on no one. I feel that people who are suicidal need help and can be helped. But I’m the outlier. I’m the exception to the rule. I can’t be helped anymore. I’m to scared to self harm too. I’m scared I will cut too deep and need stitches or get an infection. I don’t know what to do. I need help but I don’t want it. God I’m such a fuck up.
2 comments
You are not a fuck up. You do seem to be a collection of bad assumptions.
You have a nice guy and it will make things better if you drive him away? Your parents care so much for you and you think the pain of your death would be better than the minor inconvenience of helping you get through these troubled times? You’re prepared to end your life stop your heart flatline your brain pee and shit on the carpet when you expire but you worry about an infected cut?
You think you don’t deserve good people in your life because… You killed 3.5 million Armenians? You lied to poor black people in the south and told them they didn’t have syphilis when they really did? You cleaned out the bank accounts of one thousand elderly retirees? You set off a nuclear air burst over an unsuspecting village in the Aleutian islands? You gave pox infected blankets to native Americans?
I’m not making fun of you. I’m just trying to point out that depression is a disease. A disease that infects you with the most horrible lies. The pain and feelings of worthlessness are terrible! Cry if you need to. Roll around on the floor and kick and scream if you need to. But don’t believe the lies. Push back against them. Don’t let them get so deep you think you are being logical by acting on these lies!
I hope you therapy session goes well. I hope you are as upfront with your therapist as you are in this post. Please keep coming back here and expressing yourself. You aren’t alone.
You’re not the exception to the rule. You already know the meds were helping. I’d highly recommend you start taking them again. Don’t break up with your boyfriend. Don’t sabotage yourself and your relationships. It’ll only make things worse. It’s good if you can let all those thoughts out, but seeing yourself as a fuck up will make things more painful. Try to see past the depressed thoughts – you can’t just let them go, but try not to let them control you. You probably know by now how different they are to the thoughts you have when you’re not depressed. It completely changes the way you see the world and your situation. It isn’t a good time to make any major decisions or do anything rash.
I hope it goes well with your therapist. Good luck. 🙂