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dear Dad.

by L0STgirl

my heart: broken into a million pieces, my brain: shattered, my soul: no where to be found. I feel as if my body roams this earth but I am already deceased into the dark shadowy pits of hell with no where to go but down. I can physically feel the overwhelming heat burning through my body. my cries for help are consistent and as loud as atomic bombs hitting the ground. yet, no one seems to  hear a thing. I’ve realized I’ve fallen so deep in this trance that no one is there to hear me now. hitting rock bottom is an understatement, people go there all the time. this, this is even greater. I’ve fallen so deep the only person that can rescue me is sadly myself. I constantly question how I got to such a dark place. I could easily blame you, Dad, for neglecting me and choosing your addiction over me. for making me feel as if I’m almost worthless and nowhere near good enough to be loved unconditionally. the hole you have created in my heart is deep and raw and everyday I see you it’s a constant reminder. yet weirdly I now begin to understand you. escaping reality in any shape or form is the ultimate goal at the end of the day. but thats when it becomes scary because you wake up and your lost, you don’t see how far you’ve fallen, and you have no idea the direction to follow to get yourself out. so what do you do, continue to consume anything or everything to just make it go away, but it only gets worse and worse and worse. until you face it head on nothing begins to get better, yes you may get lost along the way and you may hit a thousand dead ends in this crazy maze to get yourself back, but don’t you owe it to yourself. when there is no hope left just think about the people who you’ve decided are not good enough to save yourself for, what you are choosing to leave behind. because this, it will consume you completely from the inside out and before you even know it, you won’t be walking this earth half dead anymore but you’ll slowly but surely be six feet under. then its to late, but you could careless right. I mean you put yourself there. Dad, I’ve watched you drown yourself in alcohol for far to long, it has taken its toll on me physically, emotionally, mentally, just in every way possible. I can honestly no longer take it, because I’ve watched you turn into an ugly monster and I always promised myself I won’t let it happen to me, that is not the life I will choose for myself. but somehow in some way I’ve chosen for myself to jump off the deep end, willingly. But today, I also choose to no longer live this life I have sadly created for myself. getting high was my first thought every morning, staying high was my only thoughts throughout the day, going to sleep high was my only thoughts before bed. I got higher than a kite right before your eyes and you were so blinded by your addiction you let it happen. I needed you to be a Dad and show me, not only tell me that its not right. every single time I felt those pills slide down my throat, or that instant high when I did line after line, I thought about you, nobody else just you. because I finally understood you after all these years. when I was high, I could have cared less about who I hurt and what would happen to me. I could have cared less if I just dropped dead. its almost scary to me because I know deep down, the way I feel, you feel it, you are just to scared to admit it. what scares me most is you won’t be around. you won’t be there to walk me down that isle, carry your grandchild, watch their baseball games and give them advice on how to track a ball out in center field, watch them graduate from high school. you won’t be here to see me change my life around and finally say Dad I made it. you won’t be here to watch my children have children and not only be a awesome grandpa but be a awesome great grandpa. you won’t be here to watch Gehrig rock it out on the baseball field or Choncie create a life that most people dream of. I want both of us, not just me, or not just you to be here throughout this wonderful life. my addiction may not be as great as yours, but I strongly believe that together we can do anything in this world. you may have been absent throughout my childhood and adolescent years, yes you were there physically yet you weren’t really there to me. there is no question that you love me or this family because I can see it in your eyes, this addiction just has a strong grip on you, a grip thats not only tearing you apart but me as well. I’m tired of you wreaking of alcohol, it literally comes out of your pores and that smell makes me sick to my stomach. the saddest part is watching Gehrig watch you do this to yourself. you may not see it as a problem but I don’t want your life to be cut short over something that you have complete control over. I always felt I was never good enough for you, that no matter what I did, or what I said nothing would change. I’ve always felt second to alcohol, which is not fair to me. but I’ve learned that I need to accept that and stop using that as an excuse for my actions. I can’t remember a time or a day you didn’t have a beer in your hand. when I think of you my mind wonders to there, that, that is not what I want to think about when I think of you because you truly are my biggest role model and a huge inspiration in my life, yet when I think of you, all that come to mind is alcohol unless I really sit there and remember all the thing you have done and continue to do for me. when I think of you I want to think of the hard working man who loves his family so much he would do anything and everything for them, a man who doesn’t know the meaning of giving on on something or someone. the strength you have to endure the unfair hand of cards life has dealt your way. those, those are the thing I want to think of, but everything you do is masked by alcohol. when you watch our games, any chance you get to “check the car”, any party that were at, at home just watching some tv, I could probably be dying in the hospital and I wouldn’t put it pass you do have a beer in that flask. you can not be sober if your life depended on it, well thats what you’ve showed me over the years anyhow. I have my own demons that I’ve decided to battle, not ignore anymore, but really battle. I can tell you this much, I need you, I need you to help me, I’m reaching out to you as your daughter to help me, get help, but most importantly help yourself as well, because you can never really help someone if you can’t help yourself first. so please do this not only for me, but you as well. if this is too much to ask I’m sorry from the bottom of my heart, I want you to walk this path with me, but if you choose not to or you can’t, know I can and will walk it alone. LIFE ISNT ABOUT FINDING YOURSELF ITS ABOUT CREATING YOURSELF. I no longer want to use drugs to hide the pain I feel so deeply but let it rise to the surface and do what needs to be done, not only for myself but the people I love, and love me unconditionally. I know this path will be a hard one to walk and its going to be a lifetime battle, I just pray that I don’t have to walk it alone.

 
 
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4 comments

SeeSmith 11/5/2015 - 3:46 pm

I’m so sorry you are going through this.

I lost my father to alcohol for a short while. When I was about 25 I got him back. I am very thankful.

Consider this: if your father could express himself he might have written the exact same thing about his father or mother or maybe both. Yes, he is addicted, but something drove him down that dark path. This is not an excuse but something you should keep in mind.

I hope both you and he can find a better understanding of life and each other.

L0STgirl 11/8/2015 - 3:17 am

The sad thing is you are a hundred percent correct. My grandfather is also a alcoholic and my grandmother battles bipolar disorder so she was never around during his childhood. I think the saddest part is watching my 16 year old brother start to follow in the footsteps of my father and his drinking patterns.

theWhispersOfMySins 11/5/2015 - 8:57 pm

You come across as strong and smart. It will be a lifetime battle as you say but you can do this. I hope you don’t have to do it alone though. It would be a beautiful thing if he would walk this path with you but even if he doesn’t please do it anyways. You deserve to find an amazing life just ahead of you. Wishing you the best.

L0STgirl 11/8/2015 - 3:15 am

Glad to say that I gave him this exact letter and we are now on a path to recovery together. I check into rehab on Monday and my Dad has gone a couple of days now without drinking which I haven’t seen in my 19 years of life. Everything is slowly but surely falling into place.

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