Can I just say a small quiet hello to all the lonely people out there.
((Please note this is a rant… Save yourself the time reading it, basically I have no friends and life’s challenges are overwhelming)).
I found this place at the beginning of the year during a real low point of obsessive suicide ideation. I got through it, I’m still here.
I managed to find a freak like me who loves me. He’s the best. He has a lot of friends and the prettiest face I’ve ever seen, the biggest heart and scars, more scars than I could kiss in one night.
I used to read people’s stories and think “you have someone who loves you, what more could you need?” but now I have love myself and I feel my depression creeping back, being loved by someone isn’t helping. I thought it would, but life and my loneliness is set to … ((I can’t say it)).
I just want to touch on a topic that seems to steer my depression downwards. Friendship. I honestly don’t have ANY friends. I just can’t make any… It doesn’t matter if your ugly or pretty. Friends are drawn to those who feel good about themselves. I don’t feel good about myself, sometimes I feel tough, sometimes I feel sexy, I just don’t feel relaxed… I think it puts people off. If I like someone it gets awkward with me acting like some nutty serial killer, asking too many questions, offering too many things.
I meet people I like rarely .:. Mostly I just pretend. God they can be so dull sometimes.
I hate pubs, hate small talk, hate groups, hate competitive conversation, I even dislike alcohol, I dislike drugs too…most of the time anyway.
I love freaky things. Love dancing, love spirituality, love walking in the dark, love goth clubs, love things that shock and scare…love sex.
Going back to why I can’t relax and just be happy- life fucked me. From age 8-16 my stepfather abused me, by sexually objectifying and dominating me. It’s warped my brain. Now life is boring and I chase and crave excitement, drama and tension. It seems I’m happiest when being held down and forced, pushed, slapped and bruised. I could have it worse, I’m not a total masochist… But I do love to bring it down upon myself. I love to push and torment until I get my way- luckily my BF understands, he’s never taken it too far, although I’d love it if he did and he seems to give me enough to keep this little beast satisfied.
Oh god but even with all this in my life… I’m struggling. I feel sick, life is a procession of never ending events each one an obstacle to overcome. These past two weeks my negativity has shone through… I feel constantly under pressure, like the bomb is about to go off at any time and I have no control over it.
How do people cope? What keeps them going?
I will end my own life one day, I don’t believe in growing old. I don’t want to die alone. I refuse to be an elderly person, sent to a care home or sucking pleasure from my younger loved ones lives. I am looking forward to when my time comes… I just don’t want it to come too soon. I want to have lived and succeeded. I want to have a party full of friends I’ve made! I want a place of my own, somewhere know one can throw me out of. I want to be relaxed and content. I want to be old and loved. Then! Only then, will I decide it’s time to wish the world goodbye.
Yes that’s right I’m not going to kill myself because I’m sad, I will fight for my happiness and kill myself when I’m happy. I will leave when it’s time to die without suffering the fragility of old age… Hopefully with someone I love.
Thats the plan anyway.