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Depression… Always comes back.

by QuirkyFox

Can I just say a small quiet hello to all the lonely people out there.

((Please note this is a rant… Save yourself the time reading it, basically I have no friends and life’s challenges are overwhelming)).

I found this place at the beginning of the year during a real low point of obsessive suicide ideation. I got through it, I’m still here.

I managed to find a freak like me who loves me. He’s the best. He has a lot of friends and the prettiest face I’ve ever seen, the biggest heart and scars, more scars than I could kiss in one night.

I used to read people’s stories and think “you have someone who loves you, what more could you need?” but now I have love myself and I feel my depression creeping back, being loved by someone isn’t helping. I thought it would, but life and my loneliness is set to … ((I can’t say it)).

I just want to touch on a topic that seems to steer my depression downwards. Friendship. I honestly don’t have ANY friends. I just can’t make any… It doesn’t matter if your ugly or pretty. Friends are drawn to those who feel good about themselves. I don’t feel good about myself, sometimes I feel tough, sometimes I feel sexy, I just don’t feel relaxed… I think it puts people off. If I like someone it gets awkward with me acting like some nutty serial killer, asking too many questions, offering too many things.

I meet people I like rarely .:. Mostly I just pretend. God they can be so dull sometimes.

I hate pubs, hate small talk, hate groups, hate competitive conversation, I even dislike alcohol, I dislike drugs too…most of the time anyway.

I love freaky things. Love dancing, love spirituality, love walking in the dark, love goth clubs, love things that shock and scare…love sex.

Going back to why I can’t relax and just be happy- life fucked me. From age 8-16 my stepfather abused me, by sexually objectifying and dominating me. It’s warped my brain. Now life is boring and I chase and crave excitement, drama and tension. It seems I’m happiest when being held down and forced, pushed, slapped and bruised. I could have it worse, I’m not a total masochist… But I do love to bring it down upon myself. I love to push and torment until I get my way- luckily my BF understands, he’s never taken it too far, although I’d love it if he did and he seems to give me enough to keep this little beast satisfied.

Oh god but even with all this in my life… I’m struggling. I feel sick, life is a procession of never ending events each one an obstacle to overcome. These past two weeks my negativity has shone through… I feel constantly under pressure, like the bomb is about to go off at any time and I have no control over it.

How do people cope? What keeps them going?

I will end my own life one day, I don’t believe in growing old. I don’t want to die alone. I refuse to be an elderly person, sent to a care home or sucking pleasure from my younger loved ones lives. I am looking forward to when my time comes… I just don’t want it to come too soon. I want to have lived and succeeded. I want to have a party full of friends I’ve made! I want a place of my own, somewhere know one can throw me out of. I want to be relaxed and content. I want to be old and loved. Then! Only then, will I decide it’s time to wish the world goodbye.

Yes that’s right I’m not going to kill myself because I’m sad, I will fight for my happiness and kill myself when I’m happy. I will leave when it’s time to die without suffering the fragility of old age… Hopefully with someone I love.

Thats the plan anyway.

 

 

 

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11 comments

rocketman 11/3/2015 - 2:05 pm

QuirkyFox,

i like your personality, we all are disappointed with reality, don’t be so hard on yourself, making friends shouldn’t be that easy anyways you want to connect with people on your level,.

daitya1989 11/3/2015 - 2:30 pm

I too feel like I’m gonna explode any minute.

But lets talk about you.

Wow… 🙂

You like dancing… 🙂
It’s the best.

Do what you like.

Enj

QuirkyFox 11/3/2015 - 2:30 pm

Hey Rocketman! Good to hear from you 🙂 Thanks for reading my rant.

SeeSmith 11/3/2015 - 2:30 pm

Well, ya gotta plan. That is a huge step in the right direction!

The biggest way I learned to cope (not that I’m an expert) was by learning to be boring. I really liked to stay up all night dancing, being excessively weird, pushing people’s button. But I figured out that if I kept living like that I would never be satisfied and the cravings for drama would destroy me. So I learned to wear brown and beige and drive the speed limit. I perfected a snail sex technique that is so slow many times my GF is unaware that we are copulating. I switched from funny cat videos to cute puppy videos. I registered to vote and always kept my checkbook in balance. Gave up heroin. Gave up pinball!

And that’s pretty much kept me alive for 35 years. And in doing so I’m very close to death. Please kill me.

Ok, have we had a nice laugh?

The real secret is get therapy and learn meditation to keep things in perspective. Have some sort of sustained regular physical activity so you are tired at night and sleep well. Lastly, be obsessive about taking care of yourself. This means doing the boring stuff like paying bills on time and learning to cook.

If you can do those things and do them like clockwork then you can do anything else you want. Travel, have wild sex, raise kids, run a successful business, play in a band, write a novel – choose any two.

daitya1989 11/3/2015 - 2:31 pm

Enjoy.

Cut some slack to yourself.

Don’t think about depression & all.
Just enjoy.

Do the things you like.

QuirkyFox 11/3/2015 - 2:31 pm

Thanks Daitya.:. Gonna do my best. Plan to go dancing tomorrow… Haven’t been for months and months and months!!

daitya1989 11/3/2015 - 2:35 pm

Are you crazy…?

Go…. 🙂

Just dance…. 🙂 🙂 🙂

I don’t know how to dance. Bt I like dancing.
I dance stupidly.

Planning on dancing…. on new year.:-)
I’m gonna burn the city.
Feeling too excited. 🙂 🙂 🙂

Do whatever you like… 🙂

Best of luck. 🙂

mysteriousvisitor 11/3/2015 - 4:29 pm

Just one little comment:

There are lots of people who enjoy BDSM or thrill seeking behavior (like extreme sports) and don’t have disfunctional backgrounds. There are healthy ways to explore these things.

QuirkyFox 11/3/2015 - 7:24 pm

I agree MV and I do feel I am experiencing my thrill seeking pursuits in a healthy way these days. It’s just what led me to enjoy them in the first place is still disturbing. Sure some people are just curious and want to explore BDSM- but I do think when it’s something one can’t live without it probably stems from some sort of conditioning, be it self inflicted or otherwise.

mysteriousvisitor 11/4/2015 - 8:07 am

I’m sure that is possible. Conditioning can result in any behavior: shyness, being a workaholic, anything. But it can also just be a person’s desire. Like homosexuality used to be considered a mental condition that needed to be fixed because it didn’t fit the profile of “normal” sexual desire.

I am glad you are enjoying it in a good way, though. 🙂

Take a Deep Breath 11/4/2015 - 12:08 am

I love dancing! Holy cow do I love dancing 🙂 It just makes my soul smile- sounds cheesy as heck but it’s true. Yeah I don’t know if you have explored BDSM, but it might help. And I can’t say thatI disagree with your plan. Living until I’m a shriviled up old person stuck in a chair eating prunes isn’t the way I want to go. A sky diving accident or something would be way cool heh heh. I hope you dance the night away!
Lots o’ love 🙂

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