escapade

I want to die.

Isn’t this blog called “thesuicideproject”? so I am going to write about dying.

in case you are mistaking me to someone like Hazel Grace or Augustus Waters or the dying girl or Kate or anyone else who were dying in books, I do not have cancer nor TB nor any sickness that will cause my death. for short I am not dying, I simply just want to die.

if anyone of you have read J.D Salinger’s one and only published book, “The Catcher in the Rye”, I somehow feel like his main character there, Holden Caulfield, which is technically J.D Salinger fictionalized, because the book is said to be biographical. anyway, enough of the author, What I mean is Holden Caulfield somehow woke me up. before, when I was in high school, I always deny that I am depressed, because no one can be depressed when he/she is so happy on the outside. but that was what i thought. Apparently, I am having “H.J. Caulfield syndrome”. A syndrome I named by myself. I called it that way because Holden is not the typical depressed person. he isn’t an introvert. he wants companion, he does something to entertain his self whenever he’s bored, and he horse around a lot. I don’t think, well this is just my opinion though, that is what you call introvert. Holden simply doesn’t show his depression. but when he is alone he feels the disease so strong to the point of thinking about death. which is somehow like me.

in my case, I am confused. I am so confused I cannot get my thinking straight. I have been labeling myself with different psychological diseases lately: ADHDic, has identity crisis, even thinking if I am autistic, depressed, fixated and all. there has been a lot of things going on in my insides, it is driving me crazy and all, and I just want to be in peace that I simply want to die. I am stressed. I am frustrated. I don’t want to grow up, and yet i want the time to fly, I am pressured. I have been wanting to talk to a psychologist for me to determine what is wrong with me, but my parents wont let me, well in the first place they do not know. because it’s only my insides that is having problems, I am always fine on the outside. I want to gain sympathy and yet i act fine. i want people to listen to me, but no one does. Just like Holden. I am desperate. I want someone to notice me.  But no one will. no one wants to. no one. that is why I thought of death as an escapade for all of these confusion and things I cannot even name. I wanna escape from this big phony world.

but something still stops me from doing so, I do not want to kill myself, I want other things to kill me. because I know for a fact that there’s heaven and hell, which is I know childish, but it’s all true though. and God won’t accept me in heaven if I kill me, so I’d rather be murdered or be sick than commit suicide, (which is ironic because I posted a blog in thesuicideproject, but I do not want to commit suicide anyway, i told you, I cannot get things straight.)

so yeah, those who would take time to read this, thank you, and if you happen to have overcome the same thing, please, i need help.