Well, how to start this… I guess, hello. Hello Suicide Project users. I’m new to this site as I only discovered it a few nights ago. I am deciding to write this post because I have nowhere else to vent, and I feel that if I don’t share this I will go completely mad. I suppose I should preface this by saying that I am extremely sorry if I offend anyone. That is not at all my intention and I hope I don’t annoy anyone. So, here we go.
I’m a 16 (soon to be 17) year old male living in the same small town I have my whole life. And I am somewhat suicidal I guess, although I have never made an attempt at taking my own life. In all honesty, I don’t have very good reasons for wanting to kill myself. I have never really been bullied. My family and I are not that poor (although we don’t have a whole load of money). I am somewhat athletic and often do well with my school work. And I don’t have a mental disorder such as depression (well, not that I know of). So, some would say I really have no reason to kill myself. And people who say that may be correct to some degree. But nonetheless, I still don’t want to live anymore. I have no real friends anymore. My supposed best friend ditched me 6 months ago because I liked her as more than a friend. Soon after that I stopped hanging around with anyone because I felt I didn’t belong. So, now I have no real friends and spend my lunchtimes at school sitting by myself.
Another thing that makes me want to cease to exist, is the fact that I hate this world with a passion. This world is so fucked up. Bad things happen to such good people. I hate how there are so many scumbags that completely destroy the only planet we have and get away with it. I hate living in a world where a human’s life is infinitely more valuable than any other creatures. I hate living in a world where people are ridiculed for being different and to be “cool” you must be a clone of what society considers normal. I hate living in a world where the majority of people are too blind to see the truth. I hate living in a world where the majority of people pretend to be something they are not or like something they don’t. Simply put, I hate living in this world.
Finally, I don’t see the point in continuing to live at all. I’m an atheist (I guess) and believe that eventually, in the distant future, the universe will experience some form of event that will completely destroy everything. So, from my point of view, anything anyone ever does, will eventually be rendered pointless. One day I will die, as will everyone else, and maybe my life will have some impact on the world. But in the end, that won’t make a difference because we will all die and nothing will matter. So, what is the point in continuing to live when I will eventually die anyway and nothing I’ve done will have mattered? What is the difference between me killing myself now and dying at age 70? Both leave me dead and both make no difference whatsoever to the eventual fate of the universe.
So, that’s basically my story. If you’ve made it this far and remained interested, you deserve a medal. In short, I hate myself, I hate this world (excluding some of the people, like most people on this site) and eventually, everything I have done won’t have made a difference. I wish I had the bravery to take my own life but for now, I am too weak. Maybe one day. Maybe one day.