Well, how to start this… I guess, hello. Hello Suicide Project users. I’m new to this site as I only discovered it a few nights ago. I am deciding to write this post because I have nowhere else to vent, and I feel that if I don’t share this I will go completely mad. I suppose I should preface this by saying that I am extremely sorry if I offend anyone. That is not at all my intention and I hope I don’t annoy anyone. So, here we go.
I’m a 16 (soon to be 17) year old male living in the same small town I have my whole life. And I am somewhat suicidal I guess, although I have never made an attempt at taking my own life. In all honesty, I don’t have very good reasons for wanting to kill myself. I have never really been bullied. My family and I are not that poor (although we don’t have a whole load of money). I am somewhat athletic and often do well with my school work. And I don’t have a mental disorder such as depression (well, not that I know of). So, some would say I really have no reason to kill myself. And people who say that may be correct to some degree. But nonetheless, I still don’t want to live anymore. I have no real friends anymore. My supposed best friend ditched me 6 months ago because I liked her as more than a friend. Soon after that I stopped hanging around with anyone because I felt I didn’t belong. So, now I have no real friends and spend my lunchtimes at school sitting by myself.
Another thing that makes me want to cease to exist, is the fact that I hate this world with a passion. This world is so fucked up. Bad things happen to such good people. I hate how there are so many scumbags that completely destroy the only planet we have and get away with it. I hate living in a world where a human’s life is infinitely more valuable than any other creatures. I hate living in a world where people are ridiculed for being different and to be “cool” you must be a clone of what society considers normal. I hate living in a world where the majority of people are too blind to see the truth. I hate living in a world where the majority of people pretend to be something they are not or like something they don’t. Simply put, I hate living in this world.
Finally, I don’t see the point in continuing to live at all. I’m an atheist (I guess) and believe that eventually, in the distant future, the universe will experience some form of event that will completely destroy everything. So, from my point of view, anything anyone ever does, will eventually be rendered pointless. One day I will die, as will everyone else, and maybe my life will have some impact on the world. But in the end, that won’t make a difference because we will all die and nothing will matter. So, what is the point in continuing to live when I will eventually die anyway and nothing I’ve done will have mattered? What is the difference between me killing myself now and dying at age 70? Both leave me dead and both make no difference whatsoever to the eventual fate of the universe.
So, that’s basically my story. If you’ve made it this far and remained interested, you deserve a medal. In short, I hate myself, I hate this world (excluding some of the people, like most people on this site) and eventually, everything I have done won’t have made a difference. I wish I had the bravery to take my own life but for now, I am too weak. Maybe one day. Maybe one day.
Hello, Misfit. Welcome to SP. I like your post a lot. You have realised a whole load of things that some people never realise. Maybe they are just blind to it or they just can’t cope with seeing it. Now you are a misfit though. You can’t be the only misfit in your town. There must be others. Maybe the crazy homeless guy or the smelly cat lady. There should be some liberation in believing that nothing matters, the world is unfair and everything is pointless.
A lot of people on this site are unhappy or suicidal because they feel that they have failed or are failing at life based on all the bullshit expectations of the majority. At least you won’t have that because you have already realised what a nonsense that is.
The world will be a lot worse for me if all the misfits kill themselves. Just carry on being a misfit and be nice to other misfits. It’s not so bad.
Hi MisFit. First, I do think you’re depressed. I’ve felt exactly the same way you feel since I was 12, and have been in treatment for a long time. Not that it helps. And I am the last person who would say you have no reason to be depressed. The human condition is reason enough.
The world is like a ride in an amusement park, and when you choose to go on it you think it’s real because that’s how powerful our minds are. The ride goes up and down, around and around, it has thrills and chills, and it’s very brightly colored, and it’s very loud, and it’s fun for a while.
Many people have been on the ride a long time, and they begin to wonder, “Hey, is this real, or is this just a ride?” And other people have remembered, and they come back to us and say, “Hey, don’t worry; don’t be afraid, ever, because this is just a ride.” And we … kill those people. “Shut him up! I’ve got a lot invested in this ride, shut him up! Look at my furrows of worry, look at my big bank account, and my family. This has to be real.”
It’s just a ride. But we always kill the good guys who try and tell us that, you ever notice that? And let the demons run amok … But it doesn’t matter, because it’s just a ride. And we can change it any time we want. It’s only a choice. No effort, no work, no job, no savings of money. Just a simple choice, right now, between fear and love.
The eyes of fear want you to put bigger locks on your doors, buy guns, close yourself off. The eyes of love instead see all of us as one.
Here’s what we can do to change the world, right now, to a better ride. Take all that money we spend on weapons and defenses each year and instead spend it feeding and clothing and educating the poor of the world, which it would pay for many times over, not one human being excluded, and we could explore space, together, both inner and outer, forever, in peace.
— Bill Hicks
I really liked your post. It’s very intelligent and well-worded.
I felt pretty much the same as you when I was your age (just a few years ago). I am depressed, but I don’t really know why. I think my body and mind experience the issues, but I’m just not aware of them. Like you, I wasn’t bullied either. I was actually pretty popular at school, but I had no friends. I knew everyone at school, but we were all just acquaintances. I did have a few friends at one point, but I stopped being the fake person you described above and I became too “different” for them. I guess I don’t need those people anyway.
The world is a shitty place and it’s only getting worse. Everyone is selfish. We make criminals famous. We kill anything we want just because we feel like it. You can’t watch the news without hearing about a shooting, rape, riot, etc. That’s just the world. Unfortunately, we can’t single-handedly change it. Just continue being good people until the inevitable end. And everything we do, in the end, is essentially pointless. All of our work will disappear. Everything we protect will be gone. But what are we supposed to do in the meantime?
And with your comment “What is the difference between me killing myself now and dying at age 70? Both leave me dead and both make no difference whatsoever to the eventual fate of the universe.” Well, that’s correct, but you’re looking at the end when you’re just in the beginning. And by that logic, everyone should kill themselves, right? Since everyone is just going to die anyway. We might as well all just do it now and get it over with.
You shouldn’t hate yourself darling.