okay, so i am very very very lonely. and im sorry if this isnt a well written passage but i just need to try and talk for a moment. i want to die. and i hate myself for wanting it. i hate myself for feeling that i need it. that im not good enough to fix myeslf or to make myself stronger. i hate that i even think of leaving all the people and the places behimd even when it feels like theyre gone and ill never be able to get them back. i hate a lot of things. mostly just myself though. all the anger that i feel is uaually directed at myself anyways. maybe i never found a place to put it, or maybe thats where i was taught it should go. either way its still there, eating at me. i cant function, i cant live with it. i hate myeslf so much someday i just expect myself to turn to dust on the inside because of how much it consumes me. my story is a rather pathetic one im afraid. and if youre able to get through the whole thing i will be simoltaniously greatful and impressed. i was handed everything in life that made it perfectly easy to be happy. food, a home, loving parents. so im not quite sure why im like this. my dad is super sad so maybe thats why, genetics why. he used to apologize to me all the time for things i didnt understand at the time. told us we deserved better. but i knew he was hurting so i always forgave him. i have such a capacity for forgivness. but only in those around me. ive never been able to forgive myself for any mistake ive ever made. i hold myself accountable everyday. ive been doing it for years, it used to be the reason i was suicidle in 6th grade actually. i remember telling myself over and over that i deserved to die cause i would never get anywhere in life nad i was a burden to all the ones i cared about. cause i am you know, i only cause pain for people. anyone ive ever gotten close too. they all are hurting because of me. and it makes me want to stop that way i can just end it, cause i never ever wanted to hurt anyone. in fact ive always wanted to do the oppoiste. i live for making people happy, and helping them. but no matter how hard i try i always seem to do the opposite in the end. ive pushed away all my friends. ruined any decent relationship i had with the people i love. destroyed any shred of self worth i had. i honestly dont see a point to try an gaining any of it back now. at this point in my life all i see is a pattern. im afraid if i try to get better that something will just happen to ruin it all again. take away the only things that make me happy, take away the only things that make me feel better. the only things that make me feel human. i dont want to loose that again. and now that its gone i just want to die so that way i wont have to lose any more. and im sorry. im sorry that i feel this way. im sorry im not strong enough to get by when im alone. im sorry that i put my self value too hevily on approval and meaningful relationships. im sorry i cant get over my faults. that i use them against myself daily as a way to get revenge for all ive done. im sorry, for letting myself continue to exist for this long.