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i am weak

by ShortOne

okay, so i am very very very lonely. and im sorry if this isnt a well written passage but i just need to try and talk for a moment. i want to die. and i hate myself for wanting it. i hate myself for feeling that i need it. that im not good enough to fix myeslf or to make myself stronger. i hate that i even think of leaving all the people and the places behimd even when it feels like theyre gone and ill never be able to get them back. i hate a lot of things. mostly just myself though. all the anger that i feel is uaually directed at myself anyways. maybe i never found a place to put it, or maybe thats where i was taught it should go. either way its still there, eating at me. i cant function, i cant live with it. i hate myeslf so much someday i just expect myself to turn to dust on the inside because of how much it consumes me. my story is a rather pathetic one im afraid. and if youre able to get through the whole thing i will be simoltaniously greatful and impressed. i was handed everything in life that made it perfectly easy to be happy. food, a home, loving parents. so im not quite sure why im like this. my dad is super sad so maybe thats why, genetics why. he used to apologize to me all the time for things i didnt understand at the time. told us we deserved better. but i knew he was hurting so i always forgave him. i have such a capacity for forgivness. but only in those around me. ive never been able to forgive myself for any mistake ive ever made. i hold myself accountable everyday. ive been doing it for years, it used to be the reason i was suicidle in 6th grade actually. i remember telling myself over and over that i deserved to die cause i would never get anywhere in life nad  i was a burden to all the ones i cared about. cause i am you know, i only cause pain for people. anyone ive ever gotten close too. they all are hurting because of me. and it makes me want to stop that way i can just end it, cause i never ever wanted to hurt anyone. in fact ive always wanted to do the oppoiste. i live for making people happy, and helping them. but no matter how hard i try i always seem to do the opposite in the end. ive pushed away all my friends. ruined any decent relationship i had with the people i love. destroyed any shred of self worth i had. i honestly dont see a point to try an gaining any of it back now. at this point in my life all i see is a pattern. im afraid if i try to get better that something will just happen to ruin it all again. take away the only things that make me happy, take away the only things that make me feel better. the only things that make me feel human. i dont want to loose that again. and now that its gone i just want to die so that way i wont have to lose any more.  and im sorry. im sorry that i feel this way. im sorry im not strong enough to get by when im alone. im sorry that i put my self value too hevily on approval and meaningful relationships. im sorry i cant get over my faults. that i use them against myself daily as a way to get revenge for all ive done. im sorry, for letting myself continue to exist for this long.

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11 comments

Audreyparker 11/10/2015 - 8:54 pm

If you showed you friends or family this, I’m sure they’d understand a lot better. You shouldn’t be so angry at yourself.

ShortOne 11/10/2015 - 9:53 pm

its hard for me to confront my parents most of the time. but maybe i could get through to them this time. alo i know its just really hard not to do

SeeSmith 11/10/2015 - 9:06 pm

If your father said this to you – word for word – what would your reaction be?

ShortOne 11/10/2015 - 9:56 pm

i would hug him, tell him its not his fault. cause it isnt hes got a lot going on in his head/life. offer help and support if he ever needs it and that i loved him. its applying that sort of logic to myself thats the problem. idk why i hate myself so much

SeeSmith 11/10/2015 - 10:38 pm

Well that’s the right attitude and yes it’s hard as hell to apply that level of forgiveness to one’s self. One way to do it is be really stubborn… telling yourself you are only human, your mistakes are not sins… Say that over and over again even if it feels like a lie.

Of course there is therapy. And meds.

Boy, wow, you are really down in yourself in what you wrote. You are aware you are not Hitler, right? Or Stalin? Or Bernard Flapdoodle? Oh, don’t know about him? He’s the guy that invented the Department of Motor Vehicles… All three of those guys are in the deepest pits of hell and I don’t think you’ve done anything near as evil.

Y’know alcoholics do some pretty horrible things because of their addiction. Part of the reason The 12 Steps are written the way they are is so that alcoholics can learn to forgive themselves. Cause if there is no forgiveness then they’ll never get better. You should Google the 12 steps if you’ve never read them.

One of the 12 steps is your surrender your problems to a higher power. What this means is there are things you aren’t going to have any control over and you have to let go of worrying about them and trying to control them.

There were things you wrote about in you post that you blame yourself for, but the truth is there is no way you should feel responsible for them.

My heart goes out to you. No one should have to carry the amount of pain and guilt you are carrying.

You can get past this. I have seen people come back from worse. Keep remembering you aren’t alone. SP’s got some good listeners.

ShortOne 11/11/2015 - 9:01 pm

ah! im new too this website so maybe its just a rookie mistake, but i seem to not have accses to the reply button for your atest comment on my post. and seeing what your comment contained i couldnt just not reply to the input you gave, now could i!

so far out of your suggesstions, ive gone to therapy and been on meds a couple of times. they both were alright for a while, im not too keen on giving them a second chance but i do want to get better so ill keep an open mind.

i know, its kind of funny how much i hate myself. as detramental as it is i like to laugh at it sometimes, like when you brought up hitler and stalin, it made me smile cause of how irrational my mind can be most of the time. regardless, i have a long way to go in that aspect. i havent seen any improvement in years but you knoow a change would be nice although ive gone this long withought it i wont ask for much.

i thank you for your support, really, too this whole website actually. i never expected this many strangers to offer their support like this, especially to me. i just.. thank you so much

mindlessgamer619 11/10/2015 - 9:18 pm

I’m so glad you shared this.. two things:
1. You have an entire community of people here who understand your situation. These people here come from all over.. and yet, we aren’t so different.. You aren’t alone here..
2. Depression isn’t picky. It happens to anyone from all walks of life. I can very much relate to what you are saying.. I grew up fairly “normal” by society’s standards… Decent health, loving parents and family, some friends (not lots but some good ones, etc), things like that. I was given so much and I should be grateful, so why I am so worthless and depressed? Yup, I’ve asked that question a bunch of times… but then you think.. Rich people, who have enough money to be set for the rest of their life, are depressed… So it makes sense that anyone can be depressed…

I’m sorry. My thoughts are very jumbled… but I hope I’m making some sense.

ShortOne 11/10/2015 - 10:00 pm

youre making perfect sense dont worry.and i really appriciate your input. i honestly dont know what i expected as a reaction when i put this out, but i have a tendency to forget that i am not alone even when im in a community website for depressed people. and im greatful for the reminder you gave me. it made me feel a bit better, honestly. like at least im not the only sad one.

mindlessgamer619 11/10/2015 - 10:22 pm

You’re welcome. 🙂 You have friends here. People who genuinely care.

dreamingsucks 11/11/2015 - 2:34 am

Hey,

You can rant all you want. Or talk about your life. And as mindlessgamer619, “You aren’t along.”

I watched this standford lecture about depression. According to a professor, depression is a biological illness thus it can hit anyone in society. I think it could be a certain stimuli triggering one of your genes to change an expression. Or something doing with chemicals in your brains being unbalance due to an internal mechanism like dopamine, norepinephrine and etc or certain external stimuli to cause that too.

But anyway, enough of that, sorry about that. I just went straight into science. hahahaha

For me, I came from an Asian background, had a rough childhood but made it out alive. In the past, my mother was aggressive and my father was a gambler. However, now my mother is more nice and my father is somewhat being responsible. But still I suffer from depression, and doing badly with my school work now then ever.

But it must be hard for you too. Everything must be a muck at times.

“im sorry that i feel this way… im not strong enough to get… i put my self value too hevily on approval and meaningful relationships…. i cant get over my faults… im sorry, for letting myself continue to exist for this long.”

Sometimes I hate that I am depressed and that I can’t adapt to the world too.

But anyway, I hope that I can be your friend too.

Sincerely, dreamingsucks

ShortOne 11/11/2015 - 8:37 pm

hi, i hope i can be your friend too. i mean you must be good at the whole friend thing cause youre so open and supportive to strangers like me. thank you for that btw, it makes me feel less alone. im not doing too good in school either as of recent. i get too sad and tired to do any of my school work when i get home, it just piles up. im glad your parents are better, although things arent really great im happy you got some improvement in your life in that aspect. its certainly better than them being worse again. mine used to be worse in a different way, when my dad went thtrough depressed periods. i just wanted to make him happy i felt so bad. besides the point, youre always welcome to rant too, your life sounds pretty mucky also.

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