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I Don’t know how to continue on

by crockpot14

I just needed to tell someone about my problems, I really just want someone to listen, just have someone listen for once.

I started to think about suicide and cutting and a whole bunch of other stuff about a year ago. I really started cutting in April, while I was away on vacation. I thought by going on vacation somehow my troubles wouldn’t follow me, i was so wrong. I just couldn’t take it anymore so I made the first couple cuts, they were small and shallow but they distracted me enough to forget my troubles.

I didn’t cut everyday on vacation, but I thought about it more and more until I did a few more cuts. The cuts i made first didn’t scar and it was like it never happened, I was still the “good girl” with her whole life figured out,with nothing that ever got in her way. But then things got worse and worse inside my head. I resorted to writing down how I was feeling at some moments when I couldn’t get my hands on a blade or knife. I now have a little journal I keep with me at all times. I write everyday, and I cut about every week.  I cut where I know no one will see, I’m not one of those people that can rely on others to help them so no I don’t cut on my wrists where they are somewhat obvious, I cut at the top of my thighs because no one will ever have any idea.

To be honest I have “friends” but they are they people who are nice to your face but as soon as you turn around you might as well put the knife in your back yourself. I can not tell any of them my problems cause it will go around school faster than finding out someone is pregnant. I don’t know if I want to tell anyone I know my problems, and how I cut because I feel like I’m one of those people who loves to make others happy before themselves. I don’t want to hurt others by letting them know they were very unobservant or they didn’t care enough to help me, because they didn’t, nobody noticed the little things. I want someone to know me well enough to realize though.

I know i have written a lot but just bare with me I’m almost done. I have had some difficulty with my weight all through my life, I’ve tried dieting, I have tried exercising. Nothing seemed to be working, I hit that point where I honestly couldn’t care anymore, and just was being me. But with so many things never fitting and all the jokes about my weight from my family, I tried to lose it again, but this time a little differently. I stopped eating for a few months,but then my mom noticed and i also had sports so i would always feel light headed so i had to keep eating; so then i started to eat less and give away my food to my friends or just not eat it all. But then my friends would notice. So i became bulimic, i started off by just throwing up after dinner not all of it but a little at a time, the as time progressed and 2 weeks went by i started to puke up all my dinner. I now puke up some of my lunch in school but i have to be careful for who could walk in and im still puking up all my dinner, but the good news is that I have lost 15 pounds and everyone has complemented me.

Everyday I fake a smile and happy personal just to make sure no one sees the broken girl i really am, but i hope one day i can tell someone this in person.If anyone read this thank you, for now I know someone out there knows my life and how i try to continue on.

I don’t know if i wrote this correctly but i hope i did.

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9 comments

theloser102 11/7/2015 - 10:51 pm

You did do an exceptional job with this post ma’am. It seems that you and I have similar issues. I was able to connect with approximately 95-99% of what you posted here. You want someone in real life to talk to about your problems that will actually take them seriously and won’t pretend like they care in order to seem like a nice person to the public. It is quite a shame that people always need to be happy about life and can’t show off their true emotions. I hate it when I have to show false happiness on job interviews to help me get a job(I never succeed on job interviews anyway even with my smiles applied), at school so I do not get reported, and in the general public so no one will make fun of me because of my angry looking face….

crockpot14 11/8/2015 - 7:13 pm

I don’t know if you will see this again, but to mato42, theloser102, and Take a Deep Breath, thank you for replying and letting me know that there are people out there that now know about me. Reading what you guys have sent me really helped I’ve read all three multiple times and i will think of these when i am in a really low place. I’ve tried holding an ice cube, it helped with the not as bad as usual days, but it doesn’t do anything for the days where i can barely get out of bed. Out of everything though I’m glad i found this site and now know people are actually listening even if its through a computer.

I just realised there was a reply button hahaha 🙂

mato42 11/8/2015 - 3:35 am

Don’t worry about post length. Here is no such thing as too many words. There is always plenty of people on sp who listen, even when it seems that no one replies 🙂
I too struggled to find a person who would I connect, who would get me. The thing is, I had great friends, even if just a few, but neither one of them could help me, no matter how much they tried. As a matter of fact, I still doubt some of them realize what was going on about my life in that time.
It’s good you keep on going. Sometimes even the time itself can help.

crockpot14 11/8/2015 - 7:13 pm

I don’t know if you will see this again, but to mato42, theloser102, and Take a Deep Breath, thank you for replying and letting me know that there are people out there that now know about me. Reading what you guys have sent me really helped I’ve read all three multiple times and i will think of these when i am in a really low place. I’ve tried holding an ice cube, it helped with the not as bad as usual days, but it doesn’t do anything for the days where i can barely get out of bed. Out of everything though I’m glad i found this site and now know people are actually listening even if its through a computer.

I just realized there was a reply button and not just a comment button hahah 🙂

Take a Deep Breath 11/8/2015 - 6:38 pm

Post length is no concern here. If you feel the need to write 5 pages to get everything off your chest, then go for it. We are here to listen. I agree with theloser102- I can relate to about 99% of this post. It’s hard to find people who will be there for you and understand what is going on enough to help you. I have beautiful friends, but they have no idea how to help me. Have you tried holding an icecube instead of cutting? A good friend of mine recommended it to me and it doesnt work all the time- but it helps some. And I think some is better than nothing. Bulimia is extremely hard to beat- I’m sorry you are caught up in it 🙁 I hope you do find someone in your life you can tell about all this stuff; and I hope that they can help you. However, SP is here for you 🙂

crockpot14 11/8/2015 - 7:14 pm

I don’t know if you will see this again, but to mato42, theloser102, and Take a Deep Breath, thank you for replying and letting me know that there are people out there that now know about me. Reading what you guys have sent me really helped I’ve read all three multiple times and i will think of these when i am in a really low place. I’ve tried holding an ice cube, it helped with the not as bad as usual days, but it doesn’t do anything for the days where i can barely get out of bed. Out of everything though I’m glad i found this site and now know people are actually listening even if its through a computer.

Hazy Day Sunflower 11/8/2015 - 6:59 pm

There are no character limits at SP. I can’t read this because I’m about a 41 seconds away from tearing myself up and reading this will make me salivate and shiver. Suffice to say I totally understand what you are going through. You can get through this. Keep talking, we’ll listen. Well I shouldn’t say that because I won’t, but I will understand and support you. That didn’t sound very supportive did it?

crockpot14 11/8/2015 - 7:12 pm

I don’t mind at all that you didn’t read it, because i know the problems you just described of not being able to read this stuff. But you did reply and im grateful, now that i know i will most definitely post again. Same to you, post and talk about your problems it helped me, even though it was just a little bit, it helped

crockpot14 11/8/2015 - 7:04 pm

I don’t know if you will see this again, but to mato42, theloser102, and Take a Deep Breath, thank you for replying and letting me know that there are people out there that now know about me. Reading what you guys have sent me really helped I’ve read all three multiple times and i will think of these when i am in a really low place. I’ve tried holding an ice cube, it helped with the not as bad as usual days, but it doesn’t do anything for the days where i can barely get out of bed. Out of everything though I’m glad i found this site and now know people are actually listening even if its through a computer.

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