I just needed to tell someone about my problems, I really just want someone to listen, just have someone listen for once.
I started to think about suicide and cutting and a whole bunch of other stuff about a year ago. I really started cutting in April, while I was away on vacation. I thought by going on vacation somehow my troubles wouldn’t follow me, i was so wrong. I just couldn’t take it anymore so I made the first couple cuts, they were small and shallow but they distracted me enough to forget my troubles.
I didn’t cut everyday on vacation, but I thought about it more and more until I did a few more cuts. The cuts i made first didn’t scar and it was like it never happened, I was still the “good girl” with her whole life figured out,with nothing that ever got in her way. But then things got worse and worse inside my head. I resorted to writing down how I was feeling at some moments when I couldn’t get my hands on a blade or knife. I now have a little journal I keep with me at all times. I write everyday, and I cut about every week. I cut where I know no one will see, I’m not one of those people that can rely on others to help them so no I don’t cut on my wrists where they are somewhat obvious, I cut at the top of my thighs because no one will ever have any idea.
To be honest I have “friends” but they are they people who are nice to your face but as soon as you turn around you might as well put the knife in your back yourself. I can not tell any of them my problems cause it will go around school faster than finding out someone is pregnant. I don’t know if I want to tell anyone I know my problems, and how I cut because I feel like I’m one of those people who loves to make others happy before themselves. I don’t want to hurt others by letting them know they were very unobservant or they didn’t care enough to help me, because they didn’t, nobody noticed the little things. I want someone to know me well enough to realize though.
I know i have written a lot but just bare with me I’m almost done. I have had some difficulty with my weight all through my life, I’ve tried dieting, I have tried exercising. Nothing seemed to be working, I hit that point where I honestly couldn’t care anymore, and just was being me. But with so many things never fitting and all the jokes about my weight from my family, I tried to lose it again, but this time a little differently. I stopped eating for a few months,but then my mom noticed and i also had sports so i would always feel light headed so i had to keep eating; so then i started to eat less and give away my food to my friends or just not eat it all. But then my friends would notice. So i became bulimic, i started off by just throwing up after dinner not all of it but a little at a time, the as time progressed and 2 weeks went by i started to puke up all my dinner. I now puke up some of my lunch in school but i have to be careful for who could walk in and im still puking up all my dinner, but the good news is that I have lost 15 pounds and everyone has complemented me.
Everyday I fake a smile and happy personal just to make sure no one sees the broken girl i really am, but i hope one day i can tell someone this in person.If anyone read this thank you, for now I know someone out there knows my life and how i try to continue on.
I don’t know if i wrote this correctly but i hope i did.