I have school today, and I really don’t want to go. I feel like complete shit this morning. It’s taking all of my energy to move, I’m forcing myself to type this out. I just feel… empty. I’ve always been terrified of death, saying that I’d never kill myself because I don’t want to die, but lately the thought of killing myself and writing out suicide notes has popped up frequently. I’d still never do it, too scared and like I said, terrified of death, but it’s affecting how I act and think. I was doing fine, getting better, but a few months ago I suddenly dropped so bad and it’s become an every day thing where I’m too depressed to function properly or at my best. I’ve had trouble sleeping, and I’ve been waking up in the middle of the night multiple times. I’ve also been having weird, long dreams out of nowhere since I used to barely remember my dreams, and I don’t know if this has anything to do with my mental health or whatever. I don’t know what emotion I’m feeling right now. Am I angry? Am I sad? Who knows. Sometimes, I go through this weird thing when I’m at my lowest and feel the most depressed, where I feel like I’m on air and I can hardly move my body and everything just seems so funny and I can’t think clearly and when I try to text or something on my phone, the words are jumbled with incorrect spelling and grammar like this, for example: thIS isHow ii woUld tyPe if IwaS uupSet. That’s how I know that I’m in a really bad spot. It can last all day, too. I have to leave for school in about ten minutes and I really, really don’t want to. Right now, I’d rather die than have to do anything today. My eyes feel so heavy. I’m almost shaking. I hate this. I’m already lashing out at my brother, I don’t want to talk today. I just want to sleep, hopefully forever.
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It happened to me long ago. I think you need to do something that is unusual from your daily activities. Try something new and keep yourself busy
I hated getting up and going to school for years, so I know how you feel. I hope your day hasn’t been so bad so far.
I’m sorry things have been so bad in the last few months. A lot of what you said is really familiar to me. I went back to read your first post, so I know you’re in therapy already. You said it isn’t helping, so I really think this is the time you should look elsewhere for help. I’m not as much of a fan of medications anymore, but anything that might help is worth trying unless you’re really against it. Don’t ever let anyone tell you you’ve tried all the available options. I’ve had depression for years, been told that I’ve tried everything (apart from therapy, which I never stick with), and in the last couple of months I’ve come across a handful more types of therapy and treatment programmes which aren’t like anything I’ve heard of before, and read about something called transcranial magnetic stimulation therapy, which I also hadn’t heard of. The meds and therapy that you’re offered now aren’t the only options out there, even though doctors will sometimes tell you that what they offer is all there is. There are all kinds of alternative and pioneering treatments out there. The thing with depression is that it never wants to let you go. You have to fight it as much as much as possible. I know it’s hard thinking about it when you feel like this, but that’s when it’s time to ask others for help.