It’s been over 3 weeks since I last hurt myself. Last night, I felt so shitty all I wanted to do was pick up my scalpel blades and slash away at my thighs. I thought I should read a few stories about other people who self-harm. I really want to stop, but I just can’t.
I sat in my bed with the blade in my hand. The stories I had read started playing out in my head. I felt the shit I think I’m in is nothing compared to what other people are going through. But I still wanted to cut.
Usually, cutting makes me feel better. The pain brings me back to reality. It makes me feel alive and I like it.
I was ready to cut. But, my heart was pounding, my hands were shaking and sweaty. Things I never feel. For the first time, I was scared. I cut anyway, but instead of it making me feel better, it hurt like hell. I usually love the pain. I guess I already felt alive. I hope this will happen again today because I’m planning to cut myself again.
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3 comments
I think when self harm doesn’t feel delightful anymore is a good thing (if you are looking for recovery, obviously), it feels like you are brain is learning that you shouldn’t enjoy it.
I hope you don’t cut tonight, Ylem31 🙂
I am not a shrink but I am totally certain about something. Understanding why you are doing such things is key for you to deal with it. If I go down on the analysis I would say that you do that because there is no biggest sorrow than destroying oneself and this self-compassion is a sort of love that fills for a short time the gaps in your emotional life. When someone hurts him/herself, all of the other issues in life become secondary and less important, so that you can stay away from them and lead that intimate relationship between your pain and yourself. Like to loving buddies.
What Amy said is correct. It is a good signal that you started panicking at the closeness of self harming, because the normal functions and instincts are returning.
Even if you don’t know me or can’t see me, if you hurt yourself, you will also hurt me.
Hugs
@amy… Im starting to feel something. I guess thats why I didnt like the pain. Usually I feel so numb and so out of touch with the rest of the world that hurting brings me back.
@oracle… I wont cut and thanks for the virtual hug.
Im glad I joined SP.