No one understands this feeling . It drives me fucking insane because I can’t explain it. I feel like I’ve been sucked into darkness and I can’t get out of it. I feel like I’m starting to feel nothing and that scares me . I’d rather feel everything .. I am so alone . I’m so alone in this big world . There are so many people do why can’t I find a few that I can be friends with? I literally do not fit in with anyone . No one understand me . Know one listens to the music like I do , or wants to do the same activities as I . I can’t connect with anyone . That’s what I look for in everything , connection. I love to connect with people. I just wish I had a fucking best girlfriend that I could lay in bed with her and cry in her arms . That’s all I want . I need girlfriends . I need friends . My dad and step mom barley even talk to me . I come and go out of my house like its a hotel pretty much. I’m just embarrassed to talk to my family . They all joke me . Call me a names like a hipster and joke the way I dress . They always say I’m a ditz and a airhead . They don’t know that I’m actually really intelligent … I know my brain has some power… I sometimes think I know too much. Did you know people who are very smart are the ones who are the most depressed ? They usually kill themselves too . (Sylvia Plath, sigmeund Freud , Ernest Hemingway , the list goes on…) I just wish I could shut it off .. The thoughts . Constant thoughts . I think so deeply about everything . Every day I open up a new part of my mind that I didn’t realize was there.. I think a lot of this deeper thinking has to do when I did lsd. When I was young I really did not care about anything . But now that I’m somewhat older I think I’ve become a better person, and on that note I’ve also became even more depressed . Every day drags on. When I wake up, o can’t wait to go back to sleep. I don’t find enjoyment in things anymore . Today I made a smoothie and food and I threw it out because I couldn’t fucking taste anything . I can’t taste anything anymore . So I don’t eat . There’s no point . I just want sleep.. I wish I could be In a coma . I wish I felt greatness out of this life. I don’t know how people hold on this long . It seems like it’s going to be forever .
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9 comments
I read your post. Sorry to hear about your pain. Can you slow down and just meditate and take deep breaths? Take it easy. Refocus yourself. Do some practical things like journaling to sort out your thought and inner emotions and try to really get at the root and heart of why you are feeling the way you do. Get a hold of your purpose again or get one established if you don’t have one and define it. You mentioned and was able to put a finger on one of the apparant causes, and lsd. Exercise, too, it should help fight stress and make you physically feel better.
Thank you
i feel the way you do, in some ways. like you, my family underestimates my intelligence. well, not just my family. i had a second grade teacher who thought i was retarded, even told my parents to get me “tested” (they refused, thank god). but generally i feel like people think i’m slow or something, they assume that i don’t know things that i do. i put this down to being because i’m better at articulating myself in writing than in speech. i sound a lot less intelligent when i’m talking. but it’s done a number on my self-esteem, and there are times i wonder if my second grade teacher was right about me (especially because there are retarded people in my family).
i also wish i had a best friend like what you describe. i really don’t think i’ve ever had that. i was pretty close to one girl, but i felt i couldn’t tell her how i was feeling. then i dropped out of school and we inevitably drifted apart.
Isn’t it weird how you can think so much and yet feel so little? I empathize with this. I love to research and read and write. I find so many things interesting intellectually, but I can barely feel anything except pain. I cannot enjoy anything, but at the same time I have interests. I keep telling myself to pursue my writing and meditation – but I feel like I am too far gone to try.
I know exactly how you feel trust me,I’m 39 years old and I’ve felt that way ever since I was a teen its like pure hell,I’ve came close to committing suicide on many occasions and I don’t even know how I’ve made it this far.Nothing in this world makes me happy not money not women not drugs.Its like I’m not even human
I feel you. I think a lot of us go through the same emotions. Nobody wants to admit it but a lot of people feel truly alone in the world. I can also relate to the sleeping, sometimes I find myself craving sleep so much I can’t even function. But I do realize I love sleeping so much mostly because I don’t have to think about the issues I have. I can go away to a happier, more peaceful place…at least for a few hours at a time. Maybe that’s how you feel too. Maybe if you really had the chance to end it all you wouldn’t ….because deep down you still want to live and be hopeful that things will turn out better than you’re expecting. I mean, I don’t have any close girlfriends either so if you want to talk and be friends I’m here. Really. 🙂
You tube Tony Stephan Q96
I understand the constant thoughts that can become incredibly deep as your mind continues to race. I do this on a daily basis as well- every single object that I see throughout the day sparks some random story line in me that I think about constantly, along with twenty other streams of god knows what. It’s exhausting and horrifying and time consuming and soul sucking at times… It robs your from what life is actually about, because it consumes your every thought. If you want to talk to me more about this, please email me 🙂 I’d be more than happy to help.
What is your email ? 🙂