Sorry to bug you guys, but I’m going to share my story real quick.
I’m an 18 year old girl diagnosed with depression and mild OCD. I may or may not be going to therapy soon, as I’m broke and my insurance does not cover it. I’m kind of hanging on for now and I’m not at immediate risk of suicide. But lately it’s been really difficult and I’m honestly surprised I’m still alive. I’ve been taking Lexapro since August, which has helped a little, but I’m still miserable.
As a kid, I never really had friends or family outside of my home. I wasn’t bullied really, but I’ve always been extremely lonely. My father was gone for years because of the military. After he came home and retired, we moved. My mother became stagnant. She has done almost nothing besides sit on the couch for 5 or 6 years, and her health is beginning to show it. My father became emotionally abusive towards my mother and I, and my mother hates him because he works too much. My parents’ marriage is quickly crumbling, and many of their fights are my fault.
I am 5’3 and almost 200 pounds. I used to weigh less, but depression hit me harder than usual these past couple of months and I gained about 25 pounds. I am unattractive and my personality is quite horrible as well. I have never been in a relationship, kissed anyone, etc. I am selfish and rude, and my life is going nowhere. I am not in college and have no plans to go. I currently working part time (I’ll switch to full time after Christmas) because I thought it would help give me a purpose, but all it has done is make me more miserable.
My mental state has been poor. The only way I can describe depression is foggy. Everything I “feel” seems forced. I haven’t been genuinely happy since I was younger. Suicide has been in the back of my mind since I was 11, but this past summer after I graduated I almost killed myself. I researched numerous ways to do it, and helium was at the top of my list. My father has a shotgun, but I don’t know the combination to his gun safe. Maybe one day he’ll tell me?
Today especially, I feel like my life has come to a complete stop. I have spent the past 18 years doing nothing of value. I am not truly important to anyone and I am just taking up space. I spend all day on the internet and playing video games. My life is going nowhere and I have no motivation to do anything about it. I guess I’m reaching out for help right now? I’m just really tired of hating myself and constantly wishing I was dead.
Sorry for wasting your time. Any responses are appreciated.
6 comments
Sorry to hear about your misfortune. I know how it feels not to be loved by anyone. I wish I was able to help you in some way, but sadly I can’t because I have it worse than you 🙁
The difference between me and you is that I have endured 10 more years of this pointless existence, and besides having emotional pain I have a physical pain too.
You’re not wasting my time. And stop living in somebody else’s imagination and start making things happen in the real world.
Like I tell a lot of people here… If you’ve finally recognized all that, why not do differently?
The greater the struggle and hole you’re in, the greater the potential for an incredible turn-around.
I could give a whole lecture on this. But if you don’t know where to start, just start somewhere. Seriously, ANYWHERE. Even if it’s learning how to quilt Nintendo characters onto blankets and selling them as originals on ebay — it’s NOT insignificant, but you just HAVE TO start SOMEWHERE. And that will jump-start your confidence and that productivity part of your brain.
You are lacking a reference point, and apart from a reference point, all points are meaningless. That’s why you’re feeling so lost. YOU JUST NEED TO START SOMEWHERE.
You lack motivation? Sometimes you are simply overwhelmed by the big picture of everything. Just take your time and start small. We all started small and that great tree was once a tiny little seed.
But still pace yourself just enough. Put together a plan first. “If you fail to plan, you plan to fail.”
Rome didn’t get all built in one day. Just don’t be lazy! NOBODY needs laziness! We need enough rest, but laziness is completely unnecessary.
There’s much more to say — but start with that.
Sorry to hear about the way you are feeling. But I believe you can start doing changes, changes that could make you feel better. Do not wait for others, do it for you. Do you have at least one friend near by? You could start doing diet and exercises, I am sure if you start losing some weight you will start feeling a little bit better. And a little bit better is better than nothing. Do you have any hobby beside playing video games or being on the computer? Do you like to read? Have you tried to go to a public library and grab a book? Reading can be passionate and can fill all our empty holes. You have a part time job, that is a good things, do you have co-workers? Can you invite one of your co-workers to have a lunch with you? You mentioned that you are selfish and rude, I doubt, but if that is the case, those are things that you can also change, and are not so difficult to change. There are clinic that offer service for people that cannot afford it or do not insurance, or clinic with very low fee or no fee at all, you should look up. It is really important for us to see a therapist or a counselor. I wish this help you a little or at least this make you feel that you are not alone. I know how bad is to feel that we are nothing, no worthy and that we are totally alone in this world. Take Care.
I’m really sorry that you’re going through this. You are not a waste of space. I know that feeling of suspended animation, when I was 18 and not quite attempting suicide but not exactly wanting to be alive. I know how it feels to need medication that you cannot afford, to wrack up medical bills. I know how hopeless that can be.
But I’m 20 now, and honestly I’ve changed a lot in 2-3 years, my life has changed so much in two or three years. Much of it wasn’t forced, it was just simply me, living in suspended animation, barely existing and barely living. I wish you the best.
Don’t feel like you’re wasting anyone’s time by posting here.
I hope you can put aside the thoughts about doing nothing of value in the past. What matters now is what you do next. I hope you can go to therapy. I hope you find something somebody says here helps you. But keep looking for help. There is so much help that doesn’t cost anything – you just need to find it. Don’t give up if one thing you try doesn’t work.
There are lots of self-help techniques you can learn too. It might be hard to motivate yourself but if you can I think it’s a great option. Exercise is another good option – it might help you feel better about yourself to see your looks change slightly, but much more importantly it helps some people with depression. I took it up (as an avid exercise hater) when I was 18 and very overweight. It had a huge part in easing my anxiety over time, and when I did it it was usually a huge relief from my mood. For some people it works as well as medications. (None of the medications I tried helped me.)
I also feel my personality can be quite horrible. When I was your age I *hated* the person I was to other people. The truth is, being depressed can turn you into a different person. It brings out the worst in you and amplifies it. You’re not stuck that way.
Even if some of your parents’ fights are your fault, you definitely haven’t caused those problems in their marriage. It must be really hard to be around, but don’t take responsibility. Focus on yourself. 🙂
Never apologize for taking our time, well, at least mine. I don’t mind. I know that it’s so hard to deal with more than one disorder. I’m compulsive and depressed too. It isn’t easy, especially when the medicine stops working for a while, but I always come back from it. I’m not going to lie, it isn’t easy to get over depression, hell, I don’t know if it’s even possible to. All I know is that this site has had more visitors than I care to count, and not all of them left the world along with the site. I know how it feels to have the emotions be murky and below the surface. It feels like the world has gone numb around you, and you don’t know what to do anymore. If you need anything, feel free to post or comment, we’ll always be here.