I don’t know why I’m like this or how I’m supposed to make sense of it. I’ve (guiltily) had sadistic fantasies since I was a child. My best dreams are the ones where I’m being chased or tortured or killed. When I’m out in public I’m often either anxious and self-conscious or casually nursing violent thoughts towards others. I was on a plane last night wishing that it would crash and kill everyone on board.
But I’m not going to hurt anyone, not unless they consent to it. So there’s nothing wrong with being like this, right? Is it okay if I quietly enjoy my sadomasochistic tendencies to their fullest extent? Do I have to feel guilty about it? The rest of life doesn’t have that much meaning to me thanks to my depression. But this can give even my depression a small measure of meaning.
Because I kind of like the idea that by masochistically persevering in the face of pointlessness and isolating pain, I’m being a real cool badass. Except that then, I’m buying into my sadomasochistic delusions. I know that it’s just me being myself, but I don’t know how to accept it. And I’m sure the fact that I’m like this is part of what’s contributing to my depression. Someone like me isn’t really supposed to exist.
Maybe I’m just asking permission to disappear into my own head where there are no rules or guarantees. If I give in and become the things I enjoy, will the other parts of my life start to slip? Will I be any colder towards others? Or will I be able to look out benevolently from my fortress of solitude (complete with a torture dungeon), and be (or pretend to be) a Normal Human Being when I’m not immersed in my dysfunction?
Sorry. I feel like a mistake. I’m trying to do my best with it. People seem to like me, which means I’m doing a good job. But I don’t think I’ll ever be able to engage with them the way they are with me. I don’t think I’m coming from the same place they are. I don’t care about what they care about. I don’t feel like I can share in their happiness.
Well, maybe I’m not that different from them. This sadomasochism obsession is a little distracting, maybe it’s making it hard to realize the truth. I just want to know whether it’s okay to be myself.
1 comment
I think it’s good to be yourself but this is a really fine line. I don’t know your mental state and if it’s stable or not. If it is stable then I’m sure it’s fine but it’s not something I would be open about because its a really delicate topic I feel. If you find the right people to open up to then go for it but it’s really a touch and go situation.