I found this site while i was searching up ways on how to die on overdose of sleeping pills. I’m so tried of everything and my whole life just isn’t worth fixing or believing in. Everyone else has given up on me already. Or my parents just want me to be an entirely different person than who I really am.
I wrote my suicide note during my lunch period at school, which shows that I have zero friends that I can talk to about this. They try to understand me. But there’s not much to understand.
The truth is that I just don’t give a sh!t anymore. No one seems to understand that you can’t just STOP suicidal thoughts. They don’t just vanish. You can’t push them away permanently. It just doesn’t work that way and people telling me not to “be so depressing” don’t get that I can’t just turn it on and off like a light switch.
I decided to wait till the end of this school year so that if anything goes wrong and I survive, it won’t interfere with the school work that I’ll eventually have to endure after an attempt. I hardly doubt that anything will change my mind about this considering it’s been on my mind since sixth grade.
My parents admitted to me that I am significant just two weeks ago and I think that’s enough confirmation that they won’t care all that much. Maybe i can make it look like an accident so they get my life insurance. At least then, the end of my life would have some sort of meaning.
I’m ugly, too quiet, untalented, not smart. Everyone thinks I’m some kind of creepy sociopath.
Being a sociopath would be helpful. I wouldn’t be hurt be the rejection from everyone, even relatives know something is wrong with me.
For the time being, I’ll just be listening to music and looking for a purpose
5 comments
how to die on overdose of sleeping pills – yeah that doesn’t work
my parents just want me to be an entirely different person than who I really am – tell them if they make a legitimate cash offer you will consider it
No one seems to understand that you can’t just STOP suicidal thoughts – that’s pretty evident around here
telling me not to “be so depressing” – generally we don’t condone violence around here but shit like that is “asking for it”
My parents admitted to me that I am significant – wait. You mean INsignificant, right?
Maybe i can make it look like an accident so they get my life insurance – first, I’d be real suspicious of parents that insure their kids. Second, why do them any favors? Why not frame them?
At least then, the end of my life would have some sort of meaning. – that’s a pretty minimal definition of “meaning.”
I’m ugly, too quiet, untalented, not smart. Everyone thinks I’m some kind of creepy sociopath. – yeah I thought I was the same way, and then my son 35 years later said the same thing. The thing is, once you start college so much stuff that was cool becomes uncool, ugly becomes handsome, etc. You’d be amazed.
Being a sociopath would be helpful. – yeah. No shit. Go straight into banking and screw poor people until you are rich. I was hoping my son really would turn out to be a sociopath, but no such luck.
even relatives know something is wrong with me. – well, so far your family sounds pretty gimpy, so I wouldn’t put too much stock in that assessment.
For the time being, I’ll just be listening to music and looking for a purpose – that’s pretty normal. Compared to the average depressed SP visitor, you aren’t down on yourself as most, and you definitely sound less angst-ridden. You didn’t mention an estranged GF or a gaping hole in your heart where one should go.
I’d say that the thing you could do that would be the most diverting would be to find some friends that are about your level of disgust with the world. People that feel minimalized like you because of not being the “in” crowd. Minorities, gender questing people, Republicans that DO believe in global warming, hand and foot models, artists, playwrights, accordion players, etc…
There are some people on SP that are like that and you may want to talk to them. Also read other’s posts. Their are some amazing stories here, both good and bad.
You may not be impressed by any of this. If so, I apologize for wasting your time. I’m just throwing out food for thought and sometimes it already has maggots in it.
First of all, thank you. No one has ever bothered to talk to me about anything when I mention anything that I’ve said in the above. They just say it’s a phase or they think i’m just joking around. A phase that has lasted pretty much my whole life.
There were some things that I wasn’t quiet comfortable sharing at the moment considering I just found this website so my situation might seem a bit mundane. Sorry if it seems as though I’ve been wasting a lot of people’s time…. and I mean that sincerely. I didn’t want to bother anyone.
lastly, I’m a girl…so… yeah…
I should have posted to your heartfelt words last night. I listened to all the music and it was wonderful. I love when people post music, sharing a little gold nugget of their heart with me.
All I can say is continue posting. There are so many people who travel through this site and have been right were you are right now. Keep talking, I find if makes things digestible.
Um, no apologies needed! I talk here cause I like it! This is all very fascinating to me. Did I misplace your gender? I never can tell anyone’s gender or orientation around here. No this isn’t at all mundane. Share what you want, when you want. I apologize if my tone sounds too sarcastic or too jokey. I do that.
And also… You are not a girl, you are a woman. You should be treated with the respect due any adult. Try to drop the apologizing because 1) you haven’t transgressed, 2) apologetic people are easy to dismiss. Lastly, it is time you bother people. This isn’t a quaint 18th century court dance, this is real people talking about murdering themselves. The free exchange of ideas is needed here. Sometimes you need to raise your voice. Oh, and, you’re welcome.
Thats the same way I found this sight. Except I was looking up for antidepressants. Maybe this place will help us.