Listen

It has been a while since I last posted on Suicide Project. I know no one really cares about my posts and that is fine. I understand. Now the thing is I am doing really, really well since I was last on.

When I was last on I had just told my parents that my grandfather had molested me and that I am bisexual. I was highly depressed and I was having panic attacks and I was failing in school, not to mention I was feeling like I had no one to talk to. That was way back in I think March. I got through the end of the school year though. I got my grades up at last minute and I passed. Through the summer I was happy. I was participating in library events and even though I still had very few friends I was getting through it.

Now, its a new school year and it started of GREAT! I started a club, made a bunch of friends, and am now apart of this tight circle of friends.

I am still going through stuff though. I almost dated girl who basically used me to make herself feel better. I had actually liked her for 2 years. I had waited for her for 2 years. She was dating girl after girl for 2 years and I still waited for her. My mistake was telling her I liked her. She knew I liked her and used it against me. Not only was she dating girl after girl but she would tell me,”If I break up with her, I would date you.” I mean… I guess I always knew she wasn’t good for me. But I ignored that knowledge because I wanted to believe she was good for me. I wanted to believe she actually cared. Then, on top of it all, she would pull the pity card. “You are the only one who cares.” “If you every left me I would kill myself.”  It is very easy for me to fall for the pity card.  I know this, my friends know this, and this girl knew this. So I tried to do everything I could to make this girl better and it started bringing me down. So one day my friends told me not to reply to her. I didn’t reply to her for days. Now, let me say that I would wait for this girl. She would stop talking to me for months and the moment she spoke to me again I welcomed her with open arms. So I stopped talking to her. She didn’t care for two days. On the third day she spammed me a bunch of hi’s. I thought,”Fine. I will just wait a week.” On the six day she said,”Fine.” and blocked me on everything she knew me on. I gave her a whole lot of attention. I waited for her for 2 years. YEARS! I WAITED FOR TWO YEARS! She couldn’t wait a week. She couldn’t be patient for one week.

Sorry for that slight rant, clearly it still bothers me. That was last month by the way. I am over her, though.

Of course, I still have my off days where I am highly depressed and the world doesn’t feel real. They have become more frequent but I am getting through them. I am not as bad as I used to be I don’t think. Now I have more people there for me.

To all of the others who are still going through crap;

You are going to go through crap. Its going to be bad and you are going to hate your self and you are going to hate life. It is going to suck. But you know what? You made it this far. You have to want to feel better and you have to want to live. You have to have hope. Let me repeat this, YOU HAVE TO HAVE HOPE!

I know you don’t believe me and you probably don’t want to but it does get better. It will get better. I promise you, it gets better. I may not be better yet, but I believe I can better. I just have to ride out the storm. You do too. If there is any way for me to be there for you person who is reading this then I will be. Just don’t go through crap alone. It sucks. It hurts. You should not have to feel that. You shouldn’t have to go through that.

So… That’s all I got to say for now. Thanks for reading and listening.