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Lost

by Alumina

A/N: I’m sugar coating this because some points I refuse to go back too.

I was brought into this world, unwilling, unwanted. I have always been told my birth wasn’t planned. I was born with multiple issues with my lungs and heart, and I go to hospital at least twice a year. Since I was little I have had to look after myself and was punished if I didn’t meet my mothers standards “Perfection” everything must be. I was always left home with my drug afflicted father, mother was always “working” my family sees me as a trophy to show off to people and neglect when the shows over. I never knew how to use a toilet till I was 3 and a half because I had to teach myself. I started school a year after, a year too early and I was forced to repeat cause i was way too young. Mother locked me up for that, we had a bird aviary out the back which served as my home for that week, I was so scared normally i was belted for getting a B and i never got anything lower or if my room wasn’t clean i was locked in there without food or water till i cleaned it but that cage, the rusty wires and spiders served as my neighbors. In my second year of kindergarten i was bullied for repeating and i was constantly wetting myself cause i had never been trained properly to use the toilet. i was constantly left at the school alone until at least 6 o’clock, i became accustomed to the dark it was my friend. i would wait and wait until father came. when he did he would lie and say mother was going to pick me up, she never does. mother is at home when we return she yells at me for coming home so late and that i shouldn’t have run away from father, you can imagine how confused i was each time. Eventually father was getting better he was giving up his drugs and spending more time with me, he even bought me my best friend ‘Rosie’ and cute little jack Russell x foxy. I didn’t feel alone anymore, father fought back against my mother and how she treated me. Sadly that backfired and he hit her she pushed him to far she said she would kill me and he couldn’t do anything. Next thing I know fathers gone, 6 yrs old and alone again at least I had Rosie. Mother and I moved; I started at a new school where I was bullied on the first day for being aboriginal the school had separate classes for aboriginal students and we had to eat in the hall at lunch times. All we did was learn how to paint rocks and some basic addition and subtraction. I returned home that day ready to cry and let Rosie take my tears away. I went outside to find my best friend gone; mother came home from work later that night. I was crying my eyes out I thought she ran away, but no turns out mother gave her away while I was at school, she said I didn’t deserve her. We started to go walking of a night together, mother said I was getting fat. When we got home one night she yelled at me for not knowing how to tie my shoes, no one ever taught me how besides do second graders know how to tie their shoes? Anyway she belt me and left me outside until I could. It took hours of banging the front door and crying but eventually I started trying again and again until I could. When I scream I did it she came out and slapped me for waking her, she later slapped me for doing my shoes up the wrong way; I used the two bunny ears method however mother wanted the loop method but she let me back in.

~Time skip: Years of beatings and constantly moving later, we arrive in year 7 first day of high school~

I was late, 2 hrs late because mother gave me the wrong directions to the bus stop, she said things in life won’t be just handed to you on a silver platter. I had no time table because mother never told them I was going to that school, I thought I was going to be turned away but the principal and vice principal enrolled me then and there and gave me a temporary time table. They were so nice and supported me though year 7, 8 and 9 they were actually interest in me they really wanted to talk and listen. It made me happy but all good things come to an end. My mother married a guy who had a spoilt brat son, he got $100 a week pocket allowance plus any toy he wanted from a toy car to an iPad. I was being beaten more and more to the point I wore jeans and jumpers in summer, most nights I was denied dinner because my room was messy or my weight exceeded 65kg. I found it unfair, we had moved 2hrs away from my school but I still had to go to said school, it was because my new found brother went to school there so we moved. I never took food to school because it wouldn’t last the 2hr trip plus 3hrs till lunch. Atleast I wasn’t bullied at this school, I actually had friends that liked me for me. In year nine I thought I had made a forever friend we would skype every night he would call and I would mute him if mother came in, one day I didn’t have time to mute. He heard everything, I was in tears and pain it hurt to move I typed my usual “sorry I really had to go to the toilet” remark unaware it wasn’t on mute. He was horrified at what was happening, he hung up and said he had to go. The next day he grabbed me and pulled me down the hall until we were in behind the office building, he just hugged me at first I was confused, then he started to cry and said he heard everything. I went numb and horrified, I was always told that telling someone would make them hate me cause I was a no good liar and a fake. He said we needed to go to the office, I told him no. That night I tried to die pretty much, I had tried before but I always got scared or something would happen. Last time i didn’t take enough pills this time the rope broke under my weight, this went on for a year he would hear my mother along with two other friends every so often till one day my nans turned up. I had lost contact with them years ago but they messaged me along with my father. They got me out, I ran away two weeks after my 16th birthday. My nans took me in and my friends were glad I was finally safe. However it didn’t last long six months after living with my nans they got tired of my antics, traits I picked up so I could survive. All I wanted to do was stay in my room alone, but they said no. they were tired of me my novelty wore off, I was shy around people and just wanted to stay in my own world in my head. They sent me to my dads who fearing the responsibility of looking after a 16 year old called mother to come get me. I was scared I didn’t want to go back ever, so I sent out an SOS to all my friends. He answered and said I could go with him, I was happy he had sisters too, girls I could bond with and I thought he would have my back. After I befriend his sisters he left me. He rarely talks to me now, he calls me stupid and an idiot, he hates me and I don’t know why. With the help of a social worker I got a place to myself, my nans helped me move in and they apologized for kicking me out. However I’m scared to live there so I keep going back to his house to talk with his sisters and hope he will talk to me. I’m scared of being alone, it came to light that most of my “friends” hated me. Most of them became friends with me because of a dare that spread around. My nans haven’t talked to me since that day, same with mother and fathers. I doubt they would notice if I was gone. Its been a year all but one sister moved out and she only talks to me because I have money from youth allowance. I was kicked out of school because my grades fell and I couldn’t keep up. I don’t have a job because everywhere denies me. I now suffer from depression and anxiety and struggle to go anywhere. I know I sound like an ungrateful whiny baby but I just needed to get this out there tell someone with out them knowing who I am. I keep my happiness front for what friends I have left. Maybe I was better off with mother, I had straight A’s and heaps of friends. Now I don’t have any grades, no friends and I street perform just to get by. I just don’t feel anything anymore, I don’t know what to do I spoke to Doctors who give me meds that don’t do anything. I binge eat all the time now cause I can, I’m breaking and I just don’t know what to do.

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Mf 11/7/2015 - 4:47 am

I’m sorry that i don’t have much time to comment, but i just had to. You’re not being a winy baby, you’ve had some pretty rough situations and i imagine they are much worse (since you say you’re sugar coating them yourself). Regarding people being mean to you… well, there’s got to be a reason, you could always try asking them, you lose nothing by doing that (even if the answer might not be a good one… you never know).

I don’t know how the situation with your mother currently is, but i can relate, as i had a nut job of a mother for decades, and i’ve been able to patch things up (partially) just recently… she’s past 50 and just now she’s getting her act together, so… yeah, mothers are human beings too and can really screw up… if you think that might help you maybe you should consider giving it another chance, but otherwise, you do have reasons to keep your distance.

I do hope things get better for you one way or another, i know it’s not much but you can always vent here (as many of us do). Btw, is your nickname death note related? if no just dismiss it, if yes, i do love that song.

Alumina 11/7/2015 - 4:58 am

Yeah, it is death note related I spend most of my time now enveloping myself in anime, I enjoy the different worlds that the characters live in and the story lines they produce. I generally pretend that I live in their worlds rather than my own.

vedura 11/7/2015 - 6:20 am

Alumina, your story is so horrible that I am amazed that you have survived. No person should have to deal with such circumstances. I wish you strength to find your unique place and talents in this sometimes heartless world. You have experienced hell on earth indeed. No person deserves to be treated the way you have been treated. Shame on those around you.

SeeSmith 11/7/2015 - 8:43 am

Being white and male and in the US, it’s hard for me to really understand the depth of your maltreatment, but I’m trying. Forgive me if I act a bit clueless about the situation you are in.

You’ve had some brief times where you were surrounded with people that cared about you, where you felt safe. It’s important to hold on to the memories of those times. Especially the memories of the people who helped you, listened to you, and protected you.

You’re going to meet many people in your life. Once you get to know them they are going to mostly be three types: those who want to use you, those who want to help you and can’t, and those who want to help you and can. When you start to get to know someone I want you to remember those people in your past that were helpful and compare the new person to them. Good people come in all shapes and sizes and natures but there is a “smell” about them. They smell of empathy and depth and hope and clarity. You need to keep as many of those people in your life as you can.

It’s going to take work! You are going to have to be honest and patient and learn not to hide away. Friendships are like a garden. You have to tend them frequently. Occasional you may need to prune. New friends will need attention but don’t forget to pay attention to the old ones.

Expand your circle of friends and other things will happen in your life. Friends will hear of jobs you might be good at. Better places to live will be found. When bad things happen more people will be there to help you pick up the pieces. And you will do the same things for your friends. And you will do it with love and joy.

I wish you all the best. I hope you find a place where you are able to belong, express yourself, and be surrounded by love. This is not impossible but it may take time. Be patient with yourself. Forgive yourself when you fail. Failing is nothing! Getting up and trying again is the important thing.

Many hugs, lost one. I know you will find and be found.

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