Lost Soul

I’m not entirely sure when it happened, probably somewhere in between losing my best friend(whom I loved, and thought was my soulmate) and getting involved with drinking and smoking weed on a regular basis; I lost my soul. I really don’t have any friends and I don’t enjoy spending time with people most of the time. I like my alone time, not because I’m a loner but for the simple reason it seems impossible to make friends who share similar interests and aren’t complete assholes. It just seems like everyone is selfish and act like they are so much better. I didn’t grow up in a luxurious lifestyle. My family was hard on money but they did what they could for us. My step dad was a verbally abusive alcoholic and our mom was a reclusive argumentive type of gal. Anyways I’m getting off topic. I’ve been facing depression for the better half of ten years now. I’m 24 almost 25 in April. I no longer fear the suicidal aspect of the depression. The only reason I keep going is because I care too much for the few people I do have left in my life. At the same time however, is it really worth the pain of living in a world I don’t belong? I don’t find enjoyment in anything anymore. I’m actually a really attractive dude and all the people I meet tell me such; yet it’s impossible to find cool people or girls to talk to. I’m really friendly and don’t treat anybody with disrespect. I don’t believe in making others feel bad about themselves to make me feel good about myself. I do have standards on who I want to meet, or I used to… I just don’t understand what’s wrong with me; or why I don’t fit in. People don’t give me a chance. They assume I’m the rude, popular, cool, stuck up kid, when I’m the total opposite. I’m just tired of having nobody in my life. I have no family; none that I consider anyways, my brother committed suicide in January of this year. I used to be really religious but even the bible is so prejudiced against everything I have given  up on believing such a thing. I’m straight and love woman, but there is no reason God (if he is real) to deny anyone into heaven. If there is a heaven and a hell I believe we are living in hell. The terrible people live amazing lives and the good live in misery and terror. The thing I like about this site is that it’s the only place I’ve felt an actual connection to people; just by reading their stories and visualizing their pain and misery through the words they write. People don’t understand people like us. We ruin friendships, relationships, ourselves. Life is a constant panic attack, and I’m constantly reaching and looking for a light that is engulfed by the dark and impossible to see. I don’t think we’ll ever get what we’re looking for and we realize that when we decide to join a site like this. The only love we have is each other. Here. Thanks for giving me the little bit of happiness I’ve been able to achieve through your guys writings. You all are appreciated so much, and loved <3.