Loving You makes me Hate Myself

I could say that im stuck between moving back home and stay here and going to a shelter but im not. I don’t want to run back home after you hurt me for the millionth time…again i believed your lies at first. Then i knew they where lies but hoped maybe its not a lie this time. You say we can work it out but you cause me pain.. I dont hurt you.. If we switched roles.. If i lied throughout our whole relationship..maybe you would understand. Being with you adding more things to the list that triggers my ptsd. I hate myself for loving u. If we never met i would be dead and happy already. I really dont care whats after life. I just want my body to be sent home to be cremated. Im mentally checking out. I dont wanna feel anymore.