My Love 2: Rebound

I grown into a young man, full of youth, enjoyment and had such a persona that I had the ability of standing out among a bunch of people, yes i was eccentric.

During my time of studies something happened to me that would last its mark to the rest of my life. I spent months in fear, months; in asking the question that why it happened to me the way i did, but there was no answer. My brain activated a survival response and i fell in love with fear, itself.

She was in my class. She was as fine and lovable as an Angel, i wanted to befriend her; but even before having started a proper conversation, “It happened”, after which, (I believed) “she will never see me as a human being let alone a class fellow or a friend”. In order to cope with my infatuation and fixation for her, i did several make-believe things to be true about her. At first i tried a make belief hate, i was still a child at heart. yeah. It didn’t work out well; I tried a make-belief disgust, tried convincing myself that she did wrong to me., but i was a fool to fight myself. Just seeing her would make my eyes filled with tears; as I knew that she went too far away that day and that “i will never be able to reach out to her”.

But somehow, i managed to deceive myself long enough to complete my studies. With my second last semester, comes the anxiety of not being able to see her again. It eaten me out, inside and outside. I tried drugs but instead of making me forget they helped in concentrating my thinking, each and every one of them, so I proposed her. The wise would say I was a fool to rush-in, well there was not enough time left and i wanted to make myself believe on me being impure and imperfect enough for her. I welcomed her rejection, although she took two days to let me know, of which i was not able to understand, that why she took two days; may be she didn’t wanted to hurt me as badly, as she did four years ago, that contributed heavily to make my personality of what I am today. She was never aware of that, nor she was interested, but I ended up in being a friend. I was happy in that, as if I’ve known that all along that she is just too perfect for me and I with all my follies and conditions i would never be able to open myself in front of her; if she would have accepted; if things were in my favor, since the beginning; even then, the fear of letting know who i truly am from the inside, with all my impurities and imperfections and mental conditions; in fact I was happy that she rejected me, otherwise her life would be a living hell.

Fate gave me one last chance, she was there standing right in front of me, vulnerable; and I thought to myself and in the light-speed I came to the conclusion; “Don’t worry; i will definitely help you in whatever possible way i can, to help you complete your degree”, and said to myself, “She needs a friend, so be a friend that the likes of which have never walked this earth before.”. This was my honor and for my worship for her.

“Why, haven’t i made you my sister-friend, to begin with; it would have been much easier on my heart”, I thought to myself, just too loudly, she smiled, and i glanced at that smile for the very first time in my life. Seeing her smile, made me smile from my heart and soul, and I prayed “Please God, don;t let this smile fade away, before me, I would love to die before her time, thanks, Sincerely, RT”

I was just too happy, she finally got passed in her exams, and was getting married. She wanted to invite me, but I refused to come, as I was not worthy to be standing with her “actual friend’s”. If i only have known the “rebound”, my condition would give me after a decade, i would have gone to the wedding, met with her sister, when she wanted her to meet me. I bought a gift for her marriage, a truly worthy one, i have been saving money for 6 months to buy the gift for her wedding, “You know she will never keep it”, I was telling myself, “Yes, my duty is to give the gift, to keep or not to keep, is her choice, just like my heart, I am the giver, only”, i truly worshiped her, longed as if she was a broken peace out of my own soul.  If only i have known earlier about the rebound, I would have met with her brother,  I would have introduced myself to him as her friend, instead of a courier boy, delivering the gift to her house.

In this world, the love and giving away heart has been associated with so many things that are just plainly wrong. Even thinking of having married to her, and the things the comes with the marriage, made me feel impure, made me feel that a physical relation would mean the impurity of my love and affection of my connection. My connection was not of the body, was not for the pleasures, such a connection has only only conclusion, the never-ending yearning.

Letting go was so easy, that i cried with joy on the date of her marriage. That’s why calling her “sister” was the easiest thing of my life, as the connection in this world requires a naming; and I knew that this connection will not just stop here, it is beyond this world, beyond understanding of ordinary human. My love was pious, pure and innocent as a child. She was my test, and I had no choice but to come out victorious, not by “getting” her, but letting her go. The memory of her sweat smile is the only treasure that i have in this world, while seeing her smiling, i knew that my “infatuation”, my”fixation”, is not about “getting”; It was (as if) divine. I never saw her closely, never made with her an eye contact, but i have always known that, I was bound to fell for her, this divine feeling of love was not by choice. It was a test, of my connection, that how deep the real connection would go; and i have known that with physical contact, even by looking, the purity of connection would get disturbed. This test, took away a lot of things from me, but eventually gave me a satisfaction that, the love never halts, it goes beyond this worldly affairs, this physical interaction, to the next phase, to the link of souls; and that was not a make-up belief.

After a decade, I never knew that, my caring would be taken as a wrongful. It was a rebound, while i was honest, why this happened to me after such along time, since even before her marriage, i have given my care for her the name of “Brother-hood”,  and I showed care for her like a brother would do, why everyone was so keen to mark my intentions as being ill. But, I know that no matter what happens, she knows it. Even if she does not talk to me, she knows it, that I am honest and truthful to her, at least; even if only i was able to feel the soul-link, even if this connection was one-sided.

“But I will wait for her return, to accept me even just as the person, whom she knew a decade ago, her smile, that i saw a decade ago, is the only light i can think of in this darkness and i yearn to look at it once more”, as I often say to myself.

This rebound, what she said to me and what I replied in return and did in my condition is all material, and was necessary to make the people believe on the piousness of the connection, people, who are just too impure to understand the connection.

Such is and always have been the fate of the pure, innocent, honest and divine love, in this world full of filth.

[Sorry for spelling/grammer  mistakes, if any, i just don’t have the heart to go back and read it all over, and my eyes are just filled with so much tears that I am just unable to read anything]