When people look at me, they don’t see me. It’s my fault for hiding and lying and smiling, but sometimes I wish that someone would see me and ask what was wrong.
When people look at me, they see ridiculously high grades, higher than they have. They don’t see how I fall apart every time I look at a math problem, how I always have doubts no matter how well I’m doing, how I constantly worry.
When I say I’m nervous about a hard test, everyone scoffs. They’re usually right t0 – I always pass. They don’t understand that I really am nervous… I’m so stressed that I want to curl up into a ball and cry.
They never see how I always doubt myself. I’m never good enough for myself. Every time I say an answer, I worry that it’s wrong. I don’t know what’s wrong with me. I’m perfect, aren’t I?
But they never see because I never tell them. I smile. I laugh. I never tell them how not perfect I am. I never let them know that they’re better off than me, because they’d never believe me. I’m perfect, aren’t I?
They don’t know that all my clothes are from the thrift store. That there are nights when I’m hungry, but can’t ask for more food. That my parents fight every day, every night, and my heart breaks every time my little sister hides under her covers and I hear her crying.
I feel so guilty for being sad. I may be hungry, but at least I’m not starving. My parents may fight, but at least they don’t abuse me. I wish I could stop being selfish. I wish I could tell the truth and have everyone just listen… just for a second… and then be a little more careful when they talk about shopping, or getting a new phone.
I don’t cut. Every time I shave my legs, I look at my razor and think, “This is the last time. I won’t be able to hold myself back anymore. I need to end the pain.” But I never do it. Does that make me weak, or does it make me strong?
I don’t know. I don’t know. Can’t I ever just say that? What have I done to myself? I always have to know the answer now. I always have to get the best grade now. But there’s so much that I just can’t do. I can’t wear expensive clothes or buy myself $20 makeup kits. I can’t. I can’t. I can’t just be perfect. I can’t be who they think I am. But somehow, I’ve gotten myself into this situation and can’t get myself out.
I’m not perfect now, and I can’t become perfect overnight. Can someone, anyone, please just look at me and see this?
9 comments
Stop expecting people to read your mind. Start being honest. And not “wow I’m nervous about this test” honest, but “the terrible raw emptiness inside me is devouring all hope and I feel driven to eat Draino while I carve off my fingers with a carrot peeler.”
My mom got my clothes from Goodwill when I was in highschool. I wanted to die.
Thank you so much for commenting and the advice… I’m glad there’s someone who can relate to me 🙂
I know it’s tough. I also know that really opening up and being so honest you shock people probably petrifies you. This is why there are therapists. They are paid to let us say the saddest, meanest, shamefullest, craziest stuff out loud and they don’t run out of the room or judge us. They also suggest things to try so we don’t feel like we need to say those things again.
I see you and I want to tell you that you don’t need to be perfect. You are perfect with your imperfections. You are perfect with your doubts, your fear and your nervousness. You’re not perfect because of your grades. You would still be perfect if you failed each test. You don’t need fancy clothes to be beautiful. I am so sorry that you don’t have enough food to eat. But I know that one day you will. Meanwhile, please let me share with you my humble vision of your needs (and please don’t find me arrogant for telling you whay you need, because no one knows about that more than you. I am a simple online stranger): Appart from the sphere of food and basic necessities, you just need your soul – and you sure have it. I see it. It’s aching, it’s calling for you, it’s showing its greatness through your pain, so that you reach to a point of despair where you have no choice but to abandon that heavy mask that you wear and that it is NOT YOU. That mask is like a wall over your skin. Your soul is inside that, like a prisioner. Your soul wants you to be yourself (and free, free from that mask of hyper functionality that you think you must wear in order to have peace. You don’t). And when you do, you’ll see how perfect you are. Don’t hide yourself anymore. I see “that”, I see YOU.
Thank you for replying… your comment was really inspiring to me and made me feel a lot better 🙂
May you give me a ball park figure of your age? If you’re pretty young I would suspect your nervousness is a reaction to the changes of hormones in your body. If that’s the case, then you might want to consult a gynecologist and a psychiatrist to help you with balancing your hormones.
If this does not apply to you whether due to age or its really something that frequently makes you feel down, then I agree with SeeSmith. You have to be honest and open to at least your closest classmates. I don’t think the rest of your classmates need to know the truth. By telling those you trust about your anxiety, you can offload and they can reassure you in return.
Also, I advice against cutting. Just my personal opinion, if you’re going to commit suicide, better to get it over and done with. I feel like there is no need for you to slowly kill yourself by punishing yourself or by habitual self-inflicted pain.
I hope my reply doesn’t read as a simplification of your problem. That is not my intent. I’m just throwing out solutions towards you in hopes that maybe one of them would help.
Thank you for responding… you’re right, I am pretty young, so it’s possible that this may just be a phase (I definitely hope so because phase or not, I hate it). Thank you for the advice, too 🙂
@ IAmPerfect, you’re welcome. 🙂