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Once I thought I was not a failure…

by They Call Me Amy

Guess who was wrong?

Well, my last posts here were talking about my recovery and how things got so much better and bla bla bla, but hey it just got worse all of sudden. All that “my life is getting better” was bs. Lol life is being so bitter, but I guess it’s my fault, I am a piece of crap.

I had probably 3 ups in my life since last year, and probably 100 downs. That is not fair, but life isn’t fair for some lucky people like me. I had dreams, I had goals, I had desires and I guess they are never going to be accomplished, because I tried so hard, I gave everything that I had, I am so tired and exhausted of working hard, and I had zero results, actually they were not zero, they were negative numbers.

Fuck.my.life.

I hate the fact that there is stuff holding me back, I wish I just could grab those pills and the end.

I was 6 months free from self harm but I am looking for my razor right now while writing this, I was triggered 2 days ago and I couldn’t get those images out of my mind. Also my fault.

My old friend Ana is back too, bringing the delightful feeling of weakness, binge eating and pointy bones back into my life.

I guess I have the incredible ability of fucking up everything that is going well in my life.

So, lessons learned, I am a failure, I am not capable of anything and I will fail every single day of my life until I have the courage to say goodbye to this world.

I’ve didn’t kill myself yet because of my parents I guess, I am their only child, I just wanted to make them proud of something, but I am tired.

I am 20 right now, I wasn’t expecting to fall into this black hole again, but yep, guess who is back, back again…

I was thinking about all the plans I’ve had in my mind, I didn’t want to get married and have kids, but after meeting my boyfriend I started wanting all of these things, but I am not capable of doing them. Everything was easier before I’ve met him, I didn’t feel guilty for cutting myself, son of a ***** cares about me and I hate/love it.

I am crazy.

I guess I fucked up his life too. I really wish I had the courage to just finish everything and just kill myself, it would probably fix everything.

I’ll give my life one last shot, if I fail, I will just cut the bs and pull the trigger.

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6 comments

SeeSmith 11/24/2015 - 3:09 pm

Periods of happiness and self love are not BS just like periods of despair and self harm are not crimes. This is the human condition and it goes up and down. When you are down you count every downturn an extra five times. When you are up you imagine a future five times brighter than it probably will be.

I can’t do much to help you right now. I can encourage you to let go of labels like “useless” and “failure” and “lemony zest”. If you can do that one little thing it will take some of weight off.

Lastly, keep in mind your boyfriend is with you because he wants to be there. Please respect his decision to be with you. He has a brain. He knows how to use it.

Hazy Day Sunflower 11/24/2015 - 3:27 pm

And what if I like lemony zest?

SeeSmith 11/24/2015 - 3:49 pm

Since you have a BF I will spare you the convoluted unsubtle sexual anology involving lemons and graters.

Hazy Day Sunflower 11/24/2015 - 3:56 pm

That comment just murdered a baby unicorn.

SeeSmith 11/24/2015 - 5:54 pm

Hazy, one day I’ll tell you the Rind of the Apeshit Marinader.

They Call Me Amy 11/25/2015 - 9:42 am

thanks for the wise words

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