Well, here I go. I quit my job of 15yrs back in May, withdrew what I had in my retirement account. I have been living off of that the last 6months. I can survive another 19 months or so without finding a job. I have found jobs here and there but quit if I just did not like it. My background is in customer service and my last job was working for the local government. I was a supervisor and did not want that responsibility anymore. Most prospective employers pass me by because of my experience and think I would not take the pay cut. I look fairly young for 46, but on paper there is discrimination. I’ve been a closeted gay male all my life. I have been in and out of relationships, one lasting over 10yrs up until recently. I have no friends or family in my life. I feel all alone with no hope. The disappointments, betrayals and hurt is too much to bear. Every time I let someone get close to me, they end up hurting me. This is not the way a person should live. I spend all my days alone, I don’t fit in with people. I feel like an outcast. I have contemplated suicide many times, but the time has come. The only thing is.. I cannot figure out how to do it. I want to get a gun and shoot myself in the head or hang myself. I just want to go with little to no pain. I’m mentally drained and wish it all would end. I plan on going another year or so until my money runs out and there is no alternative. I just don’t understand, I’m a good person and have never hurt anyone. People seem to take my kindness for weakness. The thing is.. I hate being around people now. I feel safe in the house and would never leave if I didn’t have to. I’m not sure what God’s plan was for me?? I did not ask to be born this way.
share your suicide story
Report Post
Please log in to report posts
11 comments
You should pack up your car and hit the mountains . Go camping . I can’t wait to quit my job and go all around this summer by my self . I can only trust my self, and I want to be away from society for a while . I’m in school right now so it’s hard to do that . I’m telling you get away for a bit .itll clear your mind
I know what you mean about wanting to be alone. I don’t know exactly what to tell you to make you feel better… before you actually go through with suicide, you should contemplate on what you really want. And try that without looking back.
I know the pain. I’m a transguy. An obese, didabled, ugly outcast of a transguy that only likes men. There’s no hope for me. I have no family either. I lost my grandmother, my home, and my cats all at once and had to leave my home state. I struggle with homelessness. I can’t get a solid job because I don’t have a master’s nor 5 years experience and I’m not 22 either. I turn 38 next Monday. I have to beg for housing here. Not many willing to rent to an old cripple. Most renters are kids. My credit is shit coz I had credit cards stolen. I can’t even get into an SRO and those are basically prisons you pay market rate apartment price on for a jail cell with prison rules to follow. So I’m not as good as a crackhead, a wineo or a hooker in this world. I met a guy who’s my idea of male perfection but of course he’ll never be mine because he likes the skeletal, near death look of anorexia. He’s overweight himself. But I truly like big & tall guys. Anyway, just saying, I know what it feels like to feel (and to know) how hopeless everything is, and to feel you don’t stand a chance in life, and to be all alone in it.
I was at a similar point (overqualified for most job offers around me) and well, things plummeted for me after that, so don’t give up on that one or let too much time pass. There’s always going to be an employer that is actually smart and realizes that you’re willing to do work with less responsibilities and less pay in exchange for the sanity. The 46yold tag does hold weight to it, but times have changed as well… again, you just have to find the right employer.
nicole123’s suggestion is actually pretty good. You might consider getting a cabin at the mountain or something, in order to be on the wild for a while. I know it doesn’t work for all, but it does help some people to sort their thoughts a bit better. Hell, i might find myself a travel buddy and do some camping around my area too (liked the idea).
47 year old weighing in here. It’s all about the framing people.
“People seem to take my kindeness for weakness” i know exactly what that is i’ve struggled with it all my life its sucks you mean well to people and they treat you back like s****
Nonprofits tend to be more liberal and less judging.
People take my good humor for weakness. Yeah. BTDT
I just want to say I’m sorry. I know that doesn’t help and that’s too much of a cliche of a thing to say to someone, but it’s what I feel. I’m sorry you’re alone and I’m sorry you are discriminated against. You seem so kind and it’s not fair that you suffer. I’m sorry, and I would gladly be your friend. We might be completely different in every way but I’ve found that it is always possible to find some kind of common ground with someone. I will be spending all my days alone from now on, and I’ve done in the past and it’s so hard.
Thanks so much for understanding. People have hurt me so much, I’ve always tried to be a good friend to everyone. Now, I’m all alone. My trust in humanity is gone. I feel so helpless and lonely. As I stated, this is not the way one should live. I feel that everything I set out to accomplish has been done. My only regret, I was never able to be truly loved and give the same in return. My family turned their back on me and I was there for them in all their time of need. I’m not bitter and my faith in God remains. Maybe he has a plan for me? I don’t know,, All I know is, I’m tired and just want to close my eyes and sleep forever and feel no more pain. I hate that you have to spend all your days alone. I would gladly be your friend while I’m still here.
I want to thank all of you for your replies. When I logged back in and saw the replies, it gave me a sense of hope. There are still good people out there. I promise all of you, I will not give up until the time comes. I will continue to look for employment and remain positive. Please understand, I have been through hell and back. My pain goes beyond what any person should endure. I have cried so much my tears are all dried up.