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Sherlock Kind of Bored

by violet

As I am getting close to another decade milestone, one I hoped I never reached, I feel like giving up.
I don’t feel sad. I just feel empty. As from many years ago, I have come a long way from the severe depression I used to have. (http://suicideproject.org/2009/12/perfect-life/)
I know what it is like to hate living life every second.
I don’t feel that way anymore.
I want to love people more who care about me, and check up on me. I want to have more sympathy for those people and their hard times.
But I’m like the Benedict Cumberbatch Sherlock. He doesn’t care about people and is often bored. He is a pretty useful genius, so people want him around. I have a lot to give, I know that, but not to that level.

Is it possible to feel important and useless at the same time?
Is it possible to feel awesome and hate myself at the same time?

I don’t know if I can keep trying to live like a normal human being. Social awkwardness is me (and not the cute kind). I’m sarcastic and uncaring. Every signs of caring was just because of intense effort.

I don’t know how many ways I can say it, but I’ll keep on saying it.  I could write a whole bunch, but I won’t.

I’m looking at this as objectively and logically as possible. I can’t keep pretending I’m this good person, when at most I’m calm and stable (because I’m apathetic). Someday it will blow up hard.

I don’t want to end my life, and I don’t need to end my life.
It’s just easier, and I’m a coward who wants to give up.
I could try and make a new person, but then the cycle would probably just keep going on there. (more people hurt)

I don’t believe that suicide is selfish.
I do think that mine would be, and I still don’t care…

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3 comments

Hazy Day Sunflower 11/18/2015 - 8:51 am

For me personally feeling the way you do.right now is one of the most dangerous mindsets to be in, for me at least. That level of flat.affect in my life will lead me to a.gun in my mouth. I wish I had easy answers. When I get headed into that state I force myself to do beautiful things, anything really, to feel human again. I will be thinking of you today.

violet 11/18/2015 - 11:33 am

Thank you for thinking of me.

RAYSRVS 11/18/2015 - 9:04 am

HERE HERE TO FORCING YOURSELF BUT THAT DOES NOT MEAN EATING

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