Signs (?)

It had been a really weird but happy (?) kind of day for me today.

I was actually planning to kill myself this evening. And today was supposed to be my last day on Earth. But then, idk maybe God is showing me signs to live.

I woke up this morning feeling really anxious. I had planned out what to do for today, finish suicide note, delete all social media accts., clean my room (finally!) and all those stuff to prepare for my departure.

I heard my mom and my cousin downstairs talking about some serious matters, a problem with my other cousin and her husband, our financial problem, about my niece’s birthday this saturday (i was actually listening for about an hour).

I thought that my death would just add up to our family problems, and I also don’t want to miss my niece’s birthday. How heartbroken would she be if she found out I’m dead. She may never even get to celebrate her birthday to make way for my funeral.

I finally went downstairs and ate breakfast. My mom told me that we’ll go to church earlier than usual because she has a meeting with her “sisters” (my mom is very religious and participates in multiple church activities). On our way to church, she talks about how she bought good quality meat and she’s cooking it as kare-kare (my favorite) for dinner this evening, and she also wanted to buy me donuts. Is it just me or she was being extra nice to me today?

And then during the mass, the homily really relates to me. I was listening to the priest explain it and it feels like he was relaying a message to me. And what’s more amazing is that I almost forgot about my “sickness” for a while. I almost felt normal. When the mass has ended and we were about to go, I saw my math teacher. She was beside my mom the whole time. I didn’t notice her because I was deeply focused on the mass. I was actually embarrassed, I had been absent in her class for a week (I always cut classes and skip some of my afternoon classes), turns out she recognized me the moment she sat beside us.

Then when we got home, there was a movie showing on a tv channel about a girl who wanted to commit suicide and how she overcame it. It also had exorcism on the side but yeah. It felt like everything happening today relates to me in some way.

My other cousin together with her family also visited us today. We talked about some family problems, again striking my conscience not to add to their burden. There’s just so many things happening, and I don’t know if I could just leave them like that in the middle of eveything. My mom’s also nagging me about stuff I need to pick up tomorrow.

I’m really confused. Part of me wants to stay, part of me want to leave it all like that. I don’t even wanna go to class tomorrow. But then my conscience is pushing me. All I wanted was to leave peacefully. I had planned out what to do today but then life suddenly makes me think twice.