My friend of 35 years and boyfriend for 5 years killed himself yesterday. A shot of heroin in the arm took his final breath.
Others view it as an overdose because he was cheerful that we were spending the holidays together.
The reality: I found a spoon containing heroine, a Qtip from my bathroom, broken pen from my kitchen, an empty bag of syringes all stuffed a grocery bag with a time dated receipt in a local grocery bag pinpointing when he picked up using again. He just finished a year of rehab and I stood strong beside him.
I photographed the drugs and other items and emailed them to him. For 2 days, he denied it. We argued about it until I decided we couldn’t spend holidays together at least in my home where I deeply feared he would overdose, rob the house, or bring dealers by to rob us. With a young child in the home, I once again had to revert to the tough love role offering little sympathy for his pain, putting distance between us, an overall exhibiting mistrust in him — albeit the pain he created and garnished our relationship with.
He’s gone now. So permanent, so final, so terribly real. I am devastated. It feels like a bomb went off. I am glad to be alive–though feel misery and disgust like so many posters here.
I will miss him. His texts, phone calls, and the endless list of every good thing he did that a “man’s man” would do. Brilliant, he was and could fix, create , assemble repair nearly everything.
He was also the only man I have loved so intensely.
I am lost and devastated. I feel my other half has been ripped away for ever.
What do I do? How do I move on. He’s in every part of my thoughts, mind, music, house, yet have a gaping whole in my life.
It was supposed to be forever with us. We were one. I am a half moon.
11 comments
rip
May he rest in peace.
I am so sorry to hear about your loss. My mother killed her self with drugs, overdosed . I really understand your pain . It will be hard for a long time … But it will ease . I hope you are doing okay today . We are always here to talk.
You only worry about today. You worry about your child. You tell EVERYONE that is part of your support network. You don’t hide. You cry. You rage. You question it all.
And tomorrow you do the same, and the next day, and the next. Some things will fade. Some won’t. You show your child you are a survivor, and more than that, you can mend.
You will get past this. You will be stronger and wiser. You will one day write this story and it will have a happy ending.
Many hugs!
One day at a time. Sometimes one hour at a time.
It will never completely go away, he will probably always be a part of you, but it get easier. I’m sorry for your loss. Rest in peace.
I don’t know what to say apart from: beautifully written.
And I guess it’s something to do with treasuring what he gave you.
Hugs
What you write, yes exactly describes how it is like now. Yet, as time will go by, you will automatically start seeing things other way, like, there were problems and not nice times all too often. So, instead of having the distorted feeling of now as a product of idealization, you will not idealize him that much. You yourself write that you needed to protect yourself from his bouts or drug drives. Yes, it is true, once one gets hooked on to drugs, he is a victim who can’t help himself so they are partially responsible only, or to a very low degree. However, when he first started taking drugs, he did not have that dependency, yet, he engaged in it, leading himself to self-destruction, but also destruction of others around him. Little by little your life will get quieter and more stable. He will remain a mixed-feelings memory.
Most of us, humans, live a life without ever having known what really love means, but we mistake need or necessity with love. It is difficult to distinguish because we feel physically and psychologically very bad when we lose someone, however, most of the times that was not love, but dependency on the other person.
I am sorry for your loss and I hope he rests in peace.
Thank you for your sympathetic messages. I’ve read them over several times and there are those that resonated —advise for role modeling for my child–messages of healing and mending. Mending vs. coping. Mending as a pro-active measure and I would think bring about different results than simply coping. Love vs. dependency when compounded in this tragedy brought about a tremendous void and struggle to adapt to.
I will miss him dearly and I wish he appreciated the serious physical and mental toll this is taking on me. I pray he rests in peace. I pray I live and sleep in peace–I’m not sure which is more tortuous–daytime or nighttime.
It’s going to be quite a slog though some of the darker parts of your soul. That’s OK. These are places you need to visit. Once you find that darkest place inside you then *any* direction you choose is towards the light. Just don’t choose to orbit your wounds like a malfunctioning satellite. If you start to do that get therapy ASAP.
Share your burdens with your friends and family. You are not weak for needing help. If you saw $20 on the ground you wouldn’t proudly claim that you didn’t need it! If a friend offers to babysit so you can run out and catch a movie DO NOT say no.
Come back here and cry or rage or simply be. Accept that progress will be uneven. Hang on to hope, even if that hope is something as small and simple as hoping the new Star Wars movie isn’t total ass.