I can’t take the loneliness anymore.Or the fear. Most of the time, I can’t even find the courage to leave my room because I am always so nervous around people. I never know when I will burst out crying. It’s so humiliating. I can’t find a job, I’ve already maxed out my credit cards and sold everything of value that I had just to pay my rent. I don’t have anything left to sell, and it’s already 3 days late. They foreclosed on my house 2 years ago, so since then, I’ve been renting rooms in other people’s homes. I almost never even leave the room, much less the house. Luckily, the lady is never here, so she doesn’t know I just lay in bed all day. I’m not lazy, and I’m not drunk or on drugs. I just can’t find the energy or confidence. I don’t have any friends anymore, and even my family has given up on me. Since my divorce 10 years ago, I have only seen my kids a few times. They are grown and married, with kids of their own. Two of the three don’t even return my phone calls. They spend holidays with their Dad and his new wife, while I have spent the last 5 years alone on Thanksgiving and Christmas. I am dreading the holidays. I don’t think I can go through it again this year. My life has been over for years. I guess I’ve just lived too long. I just want to go to sleep and never wake up.
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2 comments
Oh you dear heart! That is awful. I’m so sorry you are so alone. I can’t imagine what I would do if my son wouldn’t talk to me!
Hopefully you can work out an arrangement with your landlady to give you more time to pay the rent and give you a chance to regroup and get a job. I know you must feel terribly judged by strangers but there are many nice people out there that understand what you are going through.
You aren’t alone in this. New friends may be closer than you think. If you are to the point where you are considering suicide why not take a walk outside, go to the nearest grocery store, and flat out tell the store manager you really need a job. I know the fear is terrible. Believe me, I do. But it won’t kill you outright. You may feel like you are swimming in molasses. You may feel week in the knees. But you can do it. Grocery stores are always hiring because kids are big flakes. They love older people cause they always show up on time and they don’t create drama.
And once you get that job I swear you are going to say, “wow, that wasn’t that bad after all!” And you’ll feel like the pressure is off. And you can apply for a more challenging job with better pay. Slowly, surely, you can get out if that hole you are in.
It may look impossible to you right now, but you must know that is the depression talking. What looks impossible is actually composed of a bunch of tiny possibles. Tackle them one at a time is the secret!
It is good that you have reached out. Can you go to your doctor? You need help for the depression and social phobia/agoraphobia but also from a social worker or someone that can help with the financial situation. Can you get benefits where you live? Please don’t judge yourself or feel like you are failing in life. There is nothing shameful in getting help. We all need help sometimes. You are actually really strong. Well done for not turning to drink or drugs, that really says something about you. You deserve help. If you feel bad for claiming benefits you can always do voluntary work as a pay back. That is what I do. It makes me useful and increases the chances of paid work.