I don’t usually take the time to write things like this on the web, but for some reason I just feel like doing it now. I’m a 30 year old – male, unfortunately have always been shy, reclusive and to myself so I’ve always struggled socially & never really fitted in anywhere. Also been the victim of verbal and physical abuse at school because of this.Never had a job because of this, have been self employed on and off since high school with internet businesses and have lived a pretty mundane life. Now at the age of 30 I just feel exhausted, like there is nothing left for me. I also have lost interest in many things. I sit here in my chair and it feels like I was 19 just yesterday. Time has passed so quick. Been on anti depressants for the last 6 months but my doc says I probably should have been on them since 14. They are not working for me and I really don’t give a shit anymore.
Unfortunately I have reached that point in life where people have started to ask serious questions of me. Why I don’t have a real job, girlfriend etc and know I’m known as the one who has problems & the one that didn’t make it. It’s really hard when you can’t succeed at life because of the way you look or are as a person and because you’re hurting so much inside, but people just look at you and think your a slob/lazy person. You sometimes wish you could have been that guy with a good job, friends and a girlfriend, but then you also know that you were never meant to have that life.
Many times now I just fantasize about ending it all. Hanging myself, drowning, plastic bags, you name it. I think when you get to 30 you can’t help but notice others success and you start to question why you did not achieve the same at this age in terms of career, partner etc. So then I ask myself why I bother to continue living? I suppose I live for the small things in life – my nephew, my mom, dad, sister, good food, tv. The problem is though, It’s not really enough to keep me going for much longer. I’m not really sure what to do. It’s like, you don’t want to destroy other peoples lives but you are the one who is dying inside and tired of life and you don’t want to be here anymore.
4 comments
When the sky grows dark, reach out your hand to the stars. If only for a moment it takes that sickly feeling away.
I keep thinking about this post. I wasn’t going to reply because I’m not in the same situation but yeah, I keep thinking about it because I know others who are in your situation. A guy age 34 was telling me the other day that he doesn’t mind so much now that he is single, lives alone, no kids, no job because his life is kind of easy. He doesn’t have a lot of the problems others his age have like mortgage, relationship strife, debt, stress of job, putting kids through college. He does get bored at home playing video games so he works on a voluntary project (with me). He has social anxiety and stuff but so do I. We grow organic veg (lol right?) but I dunno we like getting out the house and generally all being awkward with each other (most the volunteers that come and go seem to be shy/depressed/anxious). Maybe you can do something like that. It’s not like you’re the only one in the world with social anxiety. I have another friend who has a good job (that he hates) but he can’t socialise at all. He copes by going on road trips. He walks around cities alone. He also goes running alone in the dark, I dunno what he gets out of that exactly but it seems to be something that keeps him going. So, I suppose my point is that we all have to try and find things to live for. Lift weights, cycle, run, volunteer. I dunno I hope that you can find something and also try to see the positive side of not being restricted by kids, wife, mortgage. There has to be advantages to being a bachelor, a free spirit, a rolling stone. Maybe you didn’t do what society expected and maybe that is actually really cool.
Why you are trying to live up to people’s expectations? Dont you know you cant?
Why are you comparing yourself with the other? Dont you know you are different?
Why do you think you would be happy if you got a job, wife and other things? Dont you know there is never “enough”?
Why..why do you think once life has no enjoyments you should stop living..? Cant you take us all as an example..
I know how you feel. Although I’m not exactly 30, I’m still living the same life as you at 21 and fear my life will be like that at 30. I’m glad you made it this far though. I am so proud of you and whatever you chose to do is your descion. If you can talk to someone professional. It may help a lot. Best of luck.