Gah I’m so tired of them! All day all night my emotions change by the minute… I though I was getting better 🙁 But I seem to have only gotten worse. I just want to be strong for my loved ones (you guys are of course included) you know? I want you all to know that I am here to help, but if someone needs to lean on me for strength and I crumble… I couldn’t forgive myself. How do you deal with the voices in your head?
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I don’t, not well this week. TaDB, you are a kindred spirit. When you post about the racing thoughts and mania is is like looking at myself. No one I live with can understand, the ones that do live so far away. Sometimes I feel like one of those metal tops I buy at a novelty toy store, I pull the string and fly across the floor. Other days it is more of a dull screaming behind my ears.
I can’t crumble either.
I’m so sorry you go through this too 🙁 You are much too beautiful a soul to be stuck with this. The metal top analogy is spot on- god today my mood changed minute to minute. Every sound, every sight, every smell- it set off a new emotion every time. It just gets so crowded in my head. All I want to do is rip out my brain and shake all the little voices and emotions from it…. I just want to stay strong for you all.
All I wanted for these past two weeks was to die. Fuck that’s all I wanted. But I knew it was a manic episode… I knew it and I couldn’t let it get to me. Because it would’ve take me for good. So I write my silly little stories in an attempt to stay sane and hopefully give you all something beautiful. But sometimes beautiful is only feasible on the outside. I feel like a top right now… spinning into a different skin of a different person each and every minute. An emotional chameleon if you will.
I’m so glad you found us. You have made an incredible impact here, and I want to say thank you for that.
I will try to not crumble here and now.
I could have written every word you just did. I get in a state where I can’t work, but but I force myself to power through. Then the next day I recheck all my work because in that state I can miss thing. Sometimes I can’t bring myself to even look a the work. like Tuesday. It has gotten better. There use to be weeks and weeks I could’t bear to touch any of my folders to work on them. I would finally make myself do the work.
Music helps me greatly. If you get a chance go look at Daitya’s post. He has printed out the lyrics to some Ghazals, which are so lovely. I had never heard of them until he posted them tonight. They are calming me better than the piano was. I think it is the singers voice.
this is a very nice sampling of them. The songs represent unconditional love in its purest form. Just amazing.
www. youtube. com/watch?v=FtWlYgG7qBQ
I would argue you have a tremendous impact here. I think positive posts help to outweigh all of the posts that are reaching out just to make it another day.
Excuse that awful typing. I’m really tired, took a bunch of bendryl. I can’t take benzo’s, Lord I wish I could, but they are just so easy to abuse and I live in fear of manipulating a Dr. in to giving them to me so I can abuse them.
I should take benadryl. Can’t sleep
Don’t apologize I have six sedatives that I take on intervals and they all make me dopey. And then it’s like I’m just punishing my key board with my fumble fingers. Just thinking about going to school on Monday… how do you even get through work sometimes? I had to miss so many classes this week because of it… How can I absorb positive integers while my brain is whirring about at a million miles an hour? And writing essays… they are the worst. Focusing all of your thoughts into one topic? Holy Moly we should get prizes for that.
*Cue gameshow music* Now you’ve won a new car!
It’s hard not using the meds at every given interval sometimes… all you want it to escape, and I TOTALLY get being impulsive. Holy crapolies I get it. You will do anything in that moment to escape from yourself, really, is who you are escaping from. I’ve broken a few doors and vases myself, let me tell you.
That song was breathtaking. It’s actually going to inspire a piece I will write for you all tomorrow. If you ever get a chance, look up the piano Guys. They can take me away from myself with a strum of the cello and a set of keys form the piano. Its nice to get away without anger or self harm or sedatives every now and then.
Thank you for saying I have a positive impact. That’s all I want to do is make people’s days just that much brighter. You all deserve it so.