Hello.
This may be long or short. I don’t know yet…and I apologize for my grammar ahead of time. I do have two college degrees but they aren’t doing me any good so no reason to try and type correctly, eh?
I have some vague memory of creating an account here at some point and I may have posted something. I was obviously drunk when I did. I have read a lot here and it has been quite awhile since I have visited. I was very serious about suicide last year and even made a few lame attempts…and nothing that got me landed in a psychiatric ward.
I am truly a worthless waste of space. The most important relationship in my life has bailed but I knew it was inevitable because he always was up and down and was a user. I spent so much money on him I guess to make him stay around. It worked for awhile. He threw me under the bus and I of course couldn’t handle my emotions so I humiliated myself…thus verifying any reason he may have had to throw me under the bus. I do wish he could feel just one ounce of the heartache I have lived with for years and the trauma…
The relationship with him started a tailspin that ultimately destroyed my somewhat happy life. If I had known, I never would have allowed this to happen. It’d take me ions to write exactly what and why and how…etc, but the pain is so awful I can hardly breathe and want to drop to my knees.
I was in an abusive marriage (which believe me, was 10 times easier and than what I have gone through). We separated but stayed friends after time passed. After we separated, I started to date the present guy who I knew was the love of my life…yada yada. And I am old enough to know better…even 5 years ago!!
I am going to spare the horrible details, but two years into dating him, I found out he was a drug addict. I was so blindly in love with him that I tried the drugs. Well, that didn’t go well. Within a month I had lost everything…job, sold my car…everything. It was then I could not get out of bed anymore. That has been almost 3 years ago. I became dependent on alcohol and only got out of bed if it meant seeing him. I always had to have money though and I drained every cent I had. He wasn’t very supportive and it just drove me deeper into self-hate and blame and misery.
My ex-husband was my friend so I’d drink with him a lot and we’d watch tons of movies at night and talk about life. Eventually he got tired of my moping (who wouldn’t?) and wanted me out of his life. At the same time, my boyfriend dumped me. This is when, last year, I decided suicide was my only option. I had no will to live. I had humiliated myself to the point of no return. My boyfriend helped to bring me into this and left me destitute and couldn’t care less. It was the coldness and cruelty of that action that made me not want to live. I literally gave everything and yes I’d take it all back if I could. It was so traumatic, it was like a form of PTSD.
Two months passes and I am so pathetic that I literally beg my ex to hang out with me. He had a lot of issues himself and ended up committing suicide in front of me. That was so tragic and awful and traumatic. It was just amazing to watch our lives take such a nose dive. And I regret the boyfriend. My ex was not upset about that as so much time had passed and he had had other relationships, he was just miserable. I wish I could have saved him or I wish he could have taken me with him. I begged him to kill me so many times.
The boyfriend shows back up and is great support for a long time and then the up and downs start again and he’s always wanting the money for the drugs. I have got to make him happy or he’ll leave me again..
It all got to be too much, so I put myself in rehab. I did very well and got healthy and back in shape. My complexion cleared up. I looked pretty again!!! Then, my boyfriend, yet again, I couldn’t stop being around him. So in a months time, my life has crashed again and he told me to leave him (of course after I paid a huge bill for him)…I feel so used, hurt, and alone. What else can I do for someone else? Why am I not worthy of being loved after all of this?? All these years?? I lived a reasonably happy life up until almost 3 years ago.
So, I just don’t want to be here anymore. Not because of him or what happened to my ex. I just don’t want to hurt anymore or know what others are thinking when they look at me. I’ve humiliated my family. Everything I have breaks. My car blew up in July…so that cost 3k to fix…the list just goes on and on.
I know the addiction might rear its ugly head at me again since it’s been 3 days since I drank and I will become anxious today wondering what he’s doing and where he’s at. I can’t sleep and I’ve been binge eating and am going several days without showers. I am just a nasty, worthless human and I don’t want to hurt anymore, but I am too big of a ***** to end my life. I do not own any guns and after witnessing a gun suicide, I don’t think I could do it that way. My only option seems like I just have to lay here and wait to die. I don’t want to get so drunk at some point in the future I black out or drive….or do something stupid. I am terrified of that as well. It’s just best I die. I really didn’t want my life to go this way.
Sorry I needed to vent. So many tragic things have happened and I know I am not alone nor am I having a pity party. I just wish I could get over my fear of the unknown and fear of the pain and get it over with.
Thank you
3 comments
My dad and I have been sober for *counting on fingers* 30 years. He’s 85 now and too frail to go to AA meetings, but I still go a few times a year. I’m technically not an alcoholic because I was never a big user but I am an Adult Child of an Alcoholic, and I know the patterns run deep in me.
The 12 steps really help, even if I take exception to the form and nature of the so-called “God”. I’ve taken a fearless moral inventory of myself so many times that I hardly wince when I think of the ways I have hurt others. It is what it is. What’s important is what I do today. I’ve made amends to those I have hurt and so many people have forgiven me without a moment’s hesitation. I still struggle with living one day at a time. The simplest rule is the hardest for me. But I forgive myself, too.
You could choose to come back from this. You could learn to accept that what happened to you was beyond your control. You could learn to forgive yourself. I hope you do.
I hope you find a local AA meeting and take the next step in a full, good life. The meetings are nothing more than people like you and me and a bunch of bad story tellers. But the healing is real.
I do know it was working but I refused to surrender people from my old life (my boyfriend). I am still sitting here in hopes he’s going to text me that he’s changed his mind. I just can’t deal with this pain of feeling so used and disgusting. I actually do have a higher power for myself and I don’t blame Him for my situation and if I can keep myself sober a week, my mindset will most likely change and I’ll get back on the wagon. I don’t know though. I go from maybe suicide or just waiting it out a week or two in my room until I am cleaned out and feeling better. I was a very active person back in the day and even for the several months I was really beginning to get better. Thank you for your message. I hope I can get myself to a meeting at least by Monday. Today I showered and am cleaning everything so everything looks nice and maybe that’ll help my mood. My face is broken out again and I just look so terrible and I know I’ve gained weight. Everything is just too overwhelming and the energy to even get to a meeting right now is not there. I’d drop it all and run if the boyfriend calls, but luckily I am pretty sure he’s gone. I have nothing left to offer. I can still buy him drugs but his family found out and he blamed me so he has to lay low. This man is 43 years old btw. It’s pathetic and that’s what hurts worse. He dumps me because mommy and daddy don’t approve.
Baby steps. Do the things today that need doing. Tomorrow, who knows? You’ll get to that meeting when you can. I’m proud of you. You know the healthy direction you need to go. That is a pretty damn significant thing right there. May peace walk with you.