Well, hello.

24 years old female. My life has two parts: Happy with obstacles for 14 years and been miserable for the other ten years.

Before you read, please don’t forget that my experiences that I’m going to write, happened when I was a child and in my teens. So evaluate them according to my age that time.

Happy with obstacles happenings:
* At the age 4, my parents divorced. I’m with my mom since then..
* My father was away in another city but we adored each other so much and he was proud with all the qualities I have. We spent the summer holiday and semesters together. I stayed at his’
* My mom is a tasteful and generous woman with a kind heart but has always had some anger and control issues.
* I loved my school and classmates. I had 5 close friends and 1 best friend for 7 years, they mattered to me much.
* I grew up with 2 same-aged neighbours’ daughters from a very young age till 12. They were my father’s neighbours. We shared a very special bond.
* I also had two male friends, old family friends’ sons. We grew up together too. I saw one of them more and other one much less. The one I saw more, used to call me a word meaning ”friends till death”. (My native language is not english).
* Also I was and have been always in love with the other boy whom I saw less. I shared it with him when I was 14 and he was 15. We sort of started dating but our families began to see each other less by then, we were away from each other and didn’t really work out plus the other half of my life – the cursed one – had already begun so..I will explain this one more in the ”the other cursed half of my life” section.
* At the age 10 I was teased and bullied by some spoiled girls in a holiday place for 3 months, every evening went back home from the swimming pool crying about it. Their reason was..according to them..I was naive and different, acted weird. Honestly all I wanted to be friends with them. I value people, friendship and love more than anything. I knew they were mean but..I tried and tried..This one is particularly important to explain myself.

Miserable one which got worse day by day for years:

* At the age of 12, my father died unexpectedly. He had been cancer but had some kind of doctor phobia..No-one, even himself, knew it. In two months..he died with fear of me being without him. I could have gotten through it if it hadn’t gotten worse. It was like the beginning of all.
* At 13, my best friend at school suddenly stopped talking to me and ended our friendship for no reason. We had some problems like me being jealous sometimes or irresponsible but none of them was something this big and for years It stayed like that.
* 12 was the last age that I saw the neighbours’ girls cause of death of my father. Later I heard one of them whom I was closer with moved to Scotland in her teens. So I kind of lost them too.
* Then this happened: Mom had a rich boyfriend since the divorse and he upsetted and cheated on her. So mom left him, sold the house that he gave her and bought a new house far away from the city’s center and my lovely school. So I had to begin a new school and this happened at the time my best friend ended our friendship. So plus her, my father and the girls..I lost my school too..lost the opportunity to spend the last year of it at the time when I most needed it and everyone there. New school, new people while I was dying to go back.
* Some bully happened at 14-15 too, at the new neighbourhood. They also thought I was too naive, couldn’t defend myself, knew nothing about being a cool person. (I guess they found badass-bad girl type cool.)
* Mom got a new boyfriend, the new school was ok and mom started a business with him. I could have gotten through all too..
* Next year I started high school. I liked the new school very much and had nice relationships with people..but was never deep or real as much as the ones that I still love so so much. I was allright back then.. trying to make things better..
* Then suddenly this happened: Like I wrote before, I have always been in love with that boy I kind of grew up with. Shared it with him at 14 then began high school. He was away from me, didn’t work out and I began dating someone at high school. Like I said trying to make things better. I didn’t share it with my other male friend – the closer one – cause I didn’t want him to tell it to the one I love. I had been three months when my male close friend discovered it then..I lost him too. I told him the reason and my feelings through the one. But he called me a liar, told my date to the one. Ugly and unnecessary things happened since then. Like they called me a cheater, liar, untrustworthy and even a slut.
* After that I broke up with my date immediately and tried to win them back. They were overreacting and I tried to explain myself over and over again to my friend face to face and to the one I love..with messages. The one used my love to take advantage of me, invited me to his grandmom’s empty house to live his first sexual experinces with me. I went there just to be able to talk to him face to face or somehow explain myself. He kept his silence and just wanted to experience sexual things and I did things he wanted to get closer to him. I didn’t lose my virginity though.
* And after that they called me worse things. Whore etc. The one I love even said this ” your father is restless in his grave seeing his daugher to be such a slut. ” ”Or judged my mother with his boyfriend choices and implied her to be a slut too. So I became depressed and begin taking antidepressants. My grades started to fall and I couldn’t be a doctor. (I wanted to be doctor and my grades were well.) I attended a college to study german language but It wasn’t what I wanted.
* Before attending the college, while high school I lost faith in god, started to question too much. Then everyday at school I slept on the desk, was very unhappy and no one seemed to understand me.
* Then my mom and his then-boyfriend sank the business and lost all the money. Mom got scared and turned back to the rich one. He treated her so bad infront of me a few times. But me and mom couldn’t do a thing cause we had a little money.
* In college I started to be very rebellious to god and values, I had unhealthyly sexual relationships. I bullied some nice people, even teachers. I even remember I yelled at god cursing him. It was bad. I used to pray every night before sleep.
* Then things went mad like I thought I didn’t belong to this ordinary people’s world. I mean I felt like I was different. I thought I had to be some kind of celebrity and had to show myself to the world. Well now I can see why I felt like that: Loneliness and desperation to prove myself.
* With those unhealthy feelings and thoughts inside, I got a job in tourism which was my father’s work sector..Tried to save my life and mom’s. But couldn’t do it psychologically. I cried everyday before and after work cause it was unbearable to me to handle a work at that time because of everything. I left the job, then I left my college and went through a breakdown.
* In 2010, I got the news: Mom had cancer too like my father. The disease was in its first phase so she could be saved. But I was crying almost everyday. Even my grandmom was talking behind my back gossiping to people like I was crazy, unsuccesful and useless. I had no one understood me except my mom but she had cancer and getting worse due to my depression. Plus as I wasn’t able to work,and mom was like a beggar because of me, asking for money from people like her rich ex, her gossiping mom etc.
* Mom ended seeing her family due to believing them being two faced (Her mom, sisters etc.) .Well she’s right.
It’s been 5 years; Mom is still alive but is going to have her 4th surgery and chemotherapy. Except her praying and huging, I’m alone crying almost everyday at home. No social life, no family, no future..maybe waiting for mom to die. I left that unhealthy sexual life and I believe in god again. Praying mostly. I feel like I’m getting closer to the monster called death so slowly and painfully even though I’m not sick physicially. I spend my days thinking how to end this suffering and get back my life. Maybe death? I’m not strong enough to work, even to study cause I’m fiercely afraid of my mom dying, and staying all alone.