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What Did I Do?

by BrokenInside123

What Did I Do?

This summer in July, I was hanging out with one of my guys friends, We’ve been friends for 6 years now, and I could trust him with anything.

We hung out on Thursday, It was slightly warm out, and I was wearing shorts and a T-shirt. He was sitting next to me, and we just talked, and laughed, and had fun.

After about an hour, he got quiet and just stared at me, He smiled and leaned over and kissed me. I felt sparks, I felt like a million dollars. I smiled at him and felt like everything was falling into place.

I was sorely mistaken. He grabbed me and started to make out with me. I was frozen in shock for a minute, and started to push him away but he kept on forcing me to kiss him. I started to cry, and I kept pushing at him trying to get him off, He didn’t budge. He forced himself on top of me, and held my hands above my head, and pulled my shirt up and stuck it into my mouth, and ripped my bra in half. He took my pants off and….well you know.

He raped me. My best friend. And I don’t know why he would do that to me, after it was over he left me all alone.I was pregnant, and excited and scared. I was pregnant for 4 months, I lost the baby 5 days ago. I hate myself, I couldn’t even protect my baby and I was supposed to be his/her mother. I failed in the first 4 months of motherhood and I’ll never forgive myself. I hate my baby’s father but I loved my baby unconditionally. I wish it had been me, I wish I’d carried the 9 months and then died in place of my baby. I was so hoping for a boy, his name would’ve been Jeremy. My little Jerbear. I’ll never know now…I’ll never know.


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SeeSmith 11/25/2015 - 12:45 am

I wasn’t your fault you miscarried. Have you seen a doctor since it happened? If not, GO RIGHT AWAY. Ask the doctor if it was you’re fault and he’ll explain about 25 good reasons why this happens.

Does your family know about any of this? You need to talk, to let out the pain and betrayal. You were used like an object and your humanity was denied. Being angry at him is a good thing, but there are many other nasty feelings that are probably lurking under the surface. The poison needs to be drawn out.

I’m sorry you lost you sweet baby. I’m sure you will be a terrific “cool” mom one day. This just wasn’t the right time. You will have more chances to build a family and it will have a much more loving and tender beginning.

Let us know if we can do anything to help. All of SP would hug you right now if we could.

BrokenInside123 11/25/2015 - 12:50 am

I’ve been to the Dr. I was under too much stress from home and getting beat up at school didn’t help either. thank u but i can’t ever talk about it, out loud, my mom just thinks imma slut she didnt even hesitate to call me one, my step dad could care less, I just was soo happy to be a mom I’m 15 but I wanted him/her I was ready becuase then i’d have someone to live for…but now idk what to do

SeeSmith 11/26/2015 - 11:42 pm

What you do is live one day at a time. Hazy I’m sure will help me out but there are things you need to get straight in your head RIGHT NOW. Please believe me:

None of this was your fault. You are not being punished. This has nothing to do with how good of a mother you should have been. You don’t deserve this.

A very bad man did this to you. The fault is entirely his. You are the victim. Nobody in their right fucking mind would think you are to blame or encouraged it or “had it coming”.

Sorry to say it but your parents are assholes. In fact, feel free to tell them I said that. I can only assume they are so wrapped up in their own misery that they don’t have to sense to look at you closely.

One day you are going to have to talk about this. You won’t be able to bottle it up forever. There are many many rape counseling services available. These people will REALLY listen to you and offer support that you can use. Do that thing with Google; type in the name of your city plus ” rape counseling “.

I’m sorry to say we live in a world that this is so common it’s easy to find help in a web search.

Please seek help. Please tell someone. Please don’t blame yourself.

Many hugs.

BrokenInside123 11/26/2015 - 11:57 pm

okay…I tried talking out loud and lost so i dont talk at all

Hazy Day Sunflower 11/25/2015 - 8:48 am

God I’m so sorry. I’ll he thinking of you today.

BrokenInside123 11/26/2015 - 11:22 pm

Hazy Day Sunflower, Thank you I really appreciate it.

Hazy Day Sunflower 11/26/2015 - 11:53 pm

@broken. Seesmith has a very good point. However, this needs to be done when you are comfortable with it, when you are ready to heal. You state you already have been to trial and it sounds like it didn’t go well for you. I am so sorry that occurred. It breaks my heart that this is so very common, which is why many women don’t come forward. Moving forward is painful, but in order to become whole again moving forward is essential. I like to think of myself as a time traveler moving in one direction. I can’t go back, I can’t stay here so I move forward.

Keep talking about it too. Rape is a taboo subject, talking about taboo subjects bring them into the daylight, which is essential for healing. I won’t say why I know this, I just do. Trust there are people here that will listen.

BrokenInside123 11/26/2015 - 11:58 pm

yahh at first i couldnt say it but then i wanted him to rot. but he isnt…so i dont talk out loud about it. idk if i can again

Mordred 11/25/2015 - 3:50 pm

BrokenInside, I’m so sorry you had to go through that. I don’t know what to say; I wish I could help somehow.

Let me know if there’s anything I can do.

oracle 11/25/2015 - 5:11 pm

Rape is a Federal Crime, and that criminal is NOT going to get away with it.

Mordred 11/26/2015 - 2:21 am

BrokenInside, I don’t know why, but your story is on my mind for some reason.

You know you’ve done nothing wrong. You haven’t failed at anything. The world is a pile of junk, treating good people like you the way it does.

Take care of yourself, BrokenInside. No one takes care of anyone else. Not on this rotten planet. Take care of yourself.

BrokenInside123 11/26/2015 - 11:16 pm

Mordred, thank you so much for your support. And I have done everything wrong, I could’ve fought back, I could’ve done something to save my baby, and yet I was a coward. And so I have been punished for my cowardice by losing the one thing i cared about. My unborn child. I have wanted my baby since the day I found out I was pregnant. I may be 15 but I know more than most people think. Not everyone in this world is a pile of junk, there are good people. But I’ve tried taking care of myself, and…I lost my would’ve been son or daughter in the process. I have failed as a Mother and I will forever Hate and blame myself, thank you for your concern and support. I greatly appreciate it.

Mordred 11/26/2015 - 11:44 pm

Maybe, BrokenInside. Maybe you could have done something more. Maybe not. I don’t know your situation. But regardless, it’s not your fault, I promise. No one can fight on every front, and from what you say, it seems you were being attacked from all directions.

You’re not a coward. You’re human, and you’re heartbroken. You weren’t punished for anything. You were innocent, and you were harmed. The fact that you are still alive proves you’re not a coward. You’ll find someone you love. And when you do, he won’t care about your past, or virginity, or any of that.

BrokenInside123 11/26/2015 - 11:51 pm

I hope He/She won’t care. Although I doubt someone will want to love someone as broken as I am. I’m too dark and depressing.

Mordred 11/27/2015 - 12:20 am

Some guys can’t be themselves around anyone but broken people. They want to be with someone ‘dark and depressing’, because they’re so sick of faking.

I used to know an amazing girl, four-five years back. When I was your age. She was your age too. She went through something similar to you, and she found love again. The time they spent together was the happiest time of their lives.

BrokenInside123 11/27/2015 - 12:28 am

Thank you. That gives me a lot to think of.

BrokenInside123 11/26/2015 - 11:21 pm

oracle, Thank you. But He already has. He won the trial, he chalked it up to me backing out of our mutual agreement when it was too late and that he was too caught up in the moment, to be in the right mind to stop. he won I lost and I have to live with the fact that I am no longer a virgin. I no longer have something that I wanted to give to the person I loved. He stole my option and got away with it.

bah 11/27/2015 - 12:47 am

I’m sorry this happened to you. :'(

BrokenInside123 11/27/2015 - 12:50 am

Yah, so am I thanks for your support

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