What The World Makes Us

I’ve often wonder why people are so afraid of talking about death. About shadows and darkness, and for that matter, suicide. Sometimes I just feel like a ghost passing through this world, watching the people around me go in circles, playing imaginary games. I don’t get it… we’re born, we go to school, get a job, then die. All the meantime, people are always running from their darkness. Because it’s too painful to face… They would rather choose distraction than work with their demons and befriend them. And then of course…when we finally choose to face it, everyone says there’s something wrong with you.

It’s natural to want to “fix” our negative emotions, and others, but… these are human too. You don’t have to agree, but… if you ask me, we’re the strong ones here. We’ve reached the end of the line and now we don’t have a choice. We have to face the shadows if we want to survive. It’s better than the constant and exhausting running that others continue to do. It’s really too bad that most of us who are like this blame ourselves. Myself included. It’s like… we’re blaming ourselves for the very world that caused us to feel this way? Because we sure as hell aren’t born feeling this way… No kid is born thinking, I want to kill myself because I don’t deserve to be loved. Or that they don’t deserve to have their diaper changed and bullshit.

Suicide isn’t messed up, causing someone enough pain that they think it’s the only option is what’s screwed up.

Even though I realize this, it doesn’t stop it from being painful. I constantly bargain with myself to keep my own life. I’ve only cut once, a few months ago… And I really keep getting urges to do it again. But I made a promise to someone I care about not to. It’s like I’m stuck between living in a state of self-mutilation without being about to relieve it or relieving it and feeling ashamed for doing so. I wouldn’t do it to end my own life… or not yet. I don’t plan to. But, it’s becoming really hard to fight the urge. I suppose… I’m glad to have found a place to at least talk about it, without it being some stupid psychotherapist who can’t understand a thing, who’s also running from their darkness.

That’s another thing… I feel like the entire field of psychiatry is messed up. They have a “defined normal” and if you’re different from that there’s something wrong with you. Instead of blaming that person for their condition, why not look at the world at large and what needs to change? I think everyone has these moments of wanting to die, but no one will talk about it because it’s “taboo” or there’s something wrong with the individual. I often wonder… why are people so cruel? But maybe they’re cruel because they’re actually scared. Hate derives from a lack of understanding, I think. Not cognitive understanding… emotional understanding. Ah, but I fall into this same trap. I judge because I’m afraid and have been hurt too.

Only by understanding our darkness can we understand our light. I hope I can find mine. I hope I can learn to befriend my demons.