It’s literally 5am and here I lie in bed… Just overthinking. Not even music is helping clear it all away. Maybe if I write it down it’ll go away.
- What am I even doing anymore? Seriously, what am I doing? I’m seventeen, I start college in the spring, I have to do the dishes before everyone wakes up… Sure that’s some things, but what do I need to do to make my life fulfilling? Is it just an endless cycle or is it really going to change some?
- Why do people fall in love? I think I’ve ranted about this before on here, but seriously, why do we fall in love? I have yet to see someone who is happy with where they are in my 17 years of existence and it’s just depressing. Sure, they pretend to be happy with where they are, because if they don’t the seem ungrateful, but their lives are literally falling apart. Look them in the eyes, you can see it. Their marriages aren’t working, they argue nightly, they don’t kiss, they don’t smile much anymore much less laugh, they never say ‘I love you’ anymore either. Why do they try so hard to make it seem like it’s a ‘happy ending’?
- Oh gods, I’m going to make their mistakes. I feel like I am… I really do. I finally give myself permission to say yes to a person who seems so sweet and I’m trying so hard to love him but I don’t think I can. I’m so afraid that I don’t know how, do I know how? Maybe I do love him? Maybe I just like the idea of someone loving me? Who knows… I just don’t want to be 20 years from now with kids and a miserable marriage like some of my family. Maybe this should’ve been a part of number 2?
- Remember this thing I said like 5 years ago? That’s self explanatory.
- How am I going to do this? I’m already freaked out over college, and grandpa moves back in. Mom says it’s because he’s scared of living alone, but dammit, I’m afraid of living with him. I can’t handle being a full-time student and then coming home to his bullshit. I get made fun of when I eat, drink, or even just say something. I’m called names constantly, and yeah they’re not supposed to hurt at this point in my life but it’s killing me.
I really should try to sleep and log out of this now. Maybe if I just close my eyes and just let the thoughts run their course I’ll be exhausted enough to sleep…
Thanks for taking your time to read this, if you did. I just needed to put it somewhere… And as usual, this is the only place I feel my thoughts are safe.
8 comments
I don’t think you asked for an answer to all of those, but i guess i’ll give it a try:
1. At that age it’s normal to not know where you’re headed or what you’re doing. I’d say there’s plenty of time to figure it out, and hey, there’s people that never do figure it out. But let’s hope that’s not your case.
2. Love is a tricky one, but i’d say i’ve seen happy people in love. Sure, they do argue like everyone does, but all in all, genuinely happy to be together. That’s not the norm (sadly), but i sort of blame it on the way people get to know each other nowadays and the values that are implanted on people. To realize if you love someone it takes a lot of time, effort, and it’s not just the initial infatuation (tho that’s a factor), which most people confuse for love.
3. Not necessarily. If you mean your parents mistakes… nope, that can be avoided to some degree, you’re their children, not an exact biological copy, and even if you were situations play a big part too. If you mean regular people’s mistakes… it’s a possibility, but that can be avoided as well (at least part of it). We do learn from mistakes, so it’s not all bad.
4. I don’t know how to answer this one because i wasn’t around 5 years ago (or maybe i’m just missing something there).
5. There’s way to avoid those situations. My grandpa was this… douche bag that made fun of everything and everyone, 24/7. It drove everyone mad, including my grandmother. But by just letting him be and not paying much attention the blows were less painful (and at sometimes i think i could even get a decent conversation out of him, which was rare). Something like that can be dealt with, not perfectly, but at least decently.
And hey, sorry if you wanted no answers (you’re free to delete this). Take them with a huge grain of salt too, i o hope you get some sleep!
I got a little bit of sleep, and thank you. I didn’t really expect replies but I’ll keep everything in mind. I just use this site to vent and hide my personal feelings from my family because they always seem to find my social media and such. This is the closest thing I get to having a ‘safe place’ for my thoughts.
wallflower,
1.) i’m much older than you, and i thought the same things, your are right! Sorry but why tell you something different? yes you get married at 20 your chance of staying married are 50% and in my opinion that’s a low number, life is hard and people are not perfect,be very skeptical about getting married and living happily ever after, look at the reasons many people do get married for IRL, taxes,security, i’m pregnant and wtf why not? it seems like the thing to do, IT’S A GAMBLE! almost like flipping a coin. when you lose things are a lot harder.
2.) unless you really want to bring another into this mess, don’t get pregnant! i never had children for that reason, everyone my opinion that lives and breathes suffers period. use birth control, sex is something you are going to have and is natural, but it will get you into trouble as well if you are not careful.
3.) don’t fool yourself you are not any different we all wish we were.
4.) go to school works towards a career one that isn’t to hard yet you can be independent and enjoy living at times 🙂
5.) nothing wrong with falling in lust that is something everyone should do that’s are nature 🙂
I was just overthinking and all, but thank you for replying. It’s nice to see. I usually use this site as somewhere to hide my personal thoughts from family and such. I’ll keep what you said in mind.
Your grandpa bullies you?
Yes, he does… Although it’s gotten quite further than just the ‘bullying’ in the past. He’s tried to harm me physically several times (even with my back turned) and he’s almost harmed my little brother too. It’s at the just words portion of it again, because a friend had threatened him with the mention of getting police in on the physical attacks.
What is his problem?
Looks like everyone gave you some great answers. I’d only add that sometimes my life has no meaning or direction. It feels like a free fall and i can’t catch my breath.
When that happens I leap.