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Protected: Already hating myself for this.

by whiskered-fish

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theWhispersOfMySins 12/11/2015 - 8:22 am

My neighbours have those. They make think of the 80s. Anyways… yes its hard to make that choice. Any chance of you being able to change things in your life so you want to live til next xmas?

whiskered-fish 12/11/2015 - 9:00 am

Not really. I’ll be eighteen then, with my future looming over me. I know I shouldn’t count myself out so soon, but I know that I’m going to flunk college. If I even get in. I have no skills or interests that could translate into a career that pays.
I’m open to the option of living. I just won’t accept the life that my parents had. I’d rather die then end up like them. And it looks like I will.

bruiseviolet 12/11/2015 - 10:28 am

Would you not like to study theology or go to Bible college? I guess not or you would have said so but I am curious why you don’t want to.

whiskered-fish 12/11/2015 - 10:54 am

I’ve actually been thinking about that. I just don’t know if I could. I am Episcopalian, so my gender won’t hinder me or anything. Women have a very equal presence among the Episcopal clergy. It’s just that theology school is a lot harder than it looks, and I don’t think I could be a rector.
I know you aren’t a believer, bruiseviolet, but I am hoping you will understand the gravity of going into the clergy from the point of view of a believer. You have a lot of people depending on you, for secular support as well as spiritual help. And you’ll be the target of demonic attack, for sure. I get that this might sound really silly, but I am being as serious as a heart attack.
And now that my soul is like a worm-eaten apple, I don’t feel good enough to go into the clergy. I feel filthy and crippled by guilt, and I don’t want to taint anyone else.

There are ways that I could make it all work. Maybe become a missionary. Ive worked construction before, and I know how to build houses and schools. So I could do that, I think. I don’t know. I’m sorry.

Hazy Day Sunflower 12/11/2015 - 10:55 am

Oh that is an inspired idea. Theology school. I considered that about 8 years ago. Very satisfying.

bruiseviolet 12/11/2015 - 11:11 am

I know what you mean, it is a lot of responsibility going into the clergy. Missionary work would be pretty great. I am surprised you think I am a non-believer I am wondering what I said to give that impression 😀
Even if you studied you wouldn’t necessarily have to enter the clergy. You could be a street preacher, help the homeless, foodbanks etc. You don’t necessarily have to go to theology school or Bible school for that though, of course. There is so much good you could do in the world but I know you have a lot of problems so it must be hard to think about possible futures.

Hazy Day Sunflower 12/11/2015 - 11:18 am

Plus the bonus of being Episcopalian. Your world is pretty much your oyster. Its about the most inclusive segment of Christianity there is. I’m Episcopalian too.

whiskered-fish 12/11/2015 - 12:08 pm

I apologize, I seem to remember you commenting on someone’s post once mentioning that you do not, nor ever did, believe in a god. But maybe I’m getting you confused with someone else? I seem to do that sort of thing a lot. Maybe it has something to do with the randomized pixel icons we all have. Haha.

And you are right. I have enough self-awareness to realize that oftentimes, I sabotage myself by refusing to see any kind of bright side, any solution, even where there are ones.
I know that most of those charity work jobs are volunteer run. Although I wouldn’t be doing it for the money, I need to eat and sleep under a roof. So unless I marry, I can’t devote myself to volunteer work. But again, you’re right, there are places in that sphere were one can make a living. Or at least I hope so.

whiskered-fish 12/11/2015 - 12:14 pm

You’re Episcopalian too, Hazy? That’s really awesome. I’m not used to stumbling upon other Episcopalians, haha. I guess we’re used to being a sort of minority.
I was raised by Catholics and converted by Baptists. For me, Episcopalians were the best compromise. 🙂

Hazy Day Sunflower 12/11/2015 - 12:22 pm

I was raised in the Episcopalian church. We has one of the first husband wife teams in thd country. It is why I’m so tolerant of all beliefs even atheists. Everyone finds their own way in this world regardless of belief. There are more of us than you’d think we just keep a low profile.

bruiseviolet 12/11/2015 - 12:25 pm

No need to apologise but that definitely wasn’t me. I was baptised into the Methodist church when I was 3 and joined a Hindu sect when I was 20. I dragged on with the Hindu sect for almost twenty years until I discovered that my guru was actually a total jerk. I disliked all religion for a while after that but find comfort in liberal Christianity and some useful advice and tools in Zen Buddhism these days. I would quite like to be some sort of nun when my worldly responsibilities are done with but it is possible that I am not nun material and I think I’d be doing it for the wrong reasons such as escaping all the bleh things in life. The necessity of shelter and food is always a real problem. The government where I live are prepared to give me those things providing I do something useful for society in return which is pretty good and fair.

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