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by evildandelions

I’ve been so angry at my ex, sometimes to the point where I want to say or do mean things.  I’ve been able resist actually saying anything (although at one point I made my friend hold onto my phone so I couldn’t text her).

But in the last few day I’ve been feeling a little less angry, just so incredibly sad (although I expect the anger to return periodically).  I miss her and everything we had.  I miss the future I thought we’d have together.  I miss having someone who knew me as well as she did, someone who is my best friend, who I can trust to always be there for me.

I’m sad (and angry at times) that I felt like I was so close to being truly happy for the first time I can remember- I’d finally be not depressed (or significantly less so) and have my life situation be good at the same time.  I feel like she stole this from me.

It feels impossible that I’ll ever find someone I love as much as her.  I want a companion that I can share my life with.  Who I’ll want to have kids with.  That’s what I want in my future and I’m afraid I’ll never have it.

I’m angry about my life.  Depression stole so much from me.  I know I’m not old, but I feel like I’m so behind.  I’m still working on my bachelors and I’ve been in school for the last 7 years- with the depression and anxiety I’ve had to take medical withdrawals and drop classes.  It wouldn’t be as bad if I’d been working too- I know a lot of people take longer to get their degrees because they also have to work full time- but I haven’t.  I would want to work, but I’m not sure I can even hold down a job. It might be hard for me even to find a job at all because my resume is so empty.

Depression also makes it hard to make friends. Which I really need right now because I don’t have any local friends.  But it’s hard to be interesting and sociable when I feel so badly.  It’s also hard to just go places sometimes (especially if I have to drive) with my anxiety.

At least the TMS is doing something, and quicker than all the studies I’ve read about it say.  Results aren’t expected until three or four weeks, but I’ve felt effects in only a few days and I feel calmer and less anxious right after the treatments.  I still feel sad I won’t get to experience being with the woman I love while being less depressed, but feeling less depressed (even while grieving) should make it easier to make friends.  I hope.


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October_rain 12/20/2015 - 2:08 pm

“…someone who is my best friend, who I can trust to always be there for me.” But you couldn’t trust that with her, because, obviously, she is no longer there. She wasn’t the one.

“It feels impossible that I’ll ever find someone I love as much as her.” After walking away from my ex, I’m realizing that she was never the one for me — seems only someone I thought (or had high hopes) to be the one for me.

Mf 12/20/2015 - 3:00 pm

If i’ve learned something out of all my failed relationships is that the person you believe you are with, is usually not the person you actually are with. Our perception and expectations of how we see those we love play a big part in us loving them, and we usually only get to “really” know them after a long period of time (might be years, even decades), when we’ve already seen more layers of how and who that person really is (imho, i’m usually wrong tho, lol).

I know that right now you think and feel you lost “the one” but i agree on october_rain on this one: if she walked away regardless of all you had together… well, she’s likely not the one. Tbh i don’t really believe in “the one” concept, but i think it’s more a thing of loyalty and commitment. I have the case of someone close to mine that was years (decades even) fixated on “the one that got away” only to meet someone later that she’s been married to (and in love) for quite some years. Sure, she still sort of feels that “i lost someone” feeling, and keeps thinking that in a way they clicked like she never has with anyone else, but in her own words: “what good is it having great chemistry and love is that person isn’t going to stick around?” … i sort of agree with that.

Plus, there’s always the chance that “the one” (if you believe in that) is yet to arrive. I’ve said i’ll never love someone again, or like the previous one a few times and i was kinda wrong on that one. I know how it feels tho, someone that is your best friend, companion, plus lover. That makes the betrayal even worse to deal with, because you never saw it coming (been there), but at the same time that also proves that the person you were in love with… wasn’t all sunshine and rainbows. Give it some time and hang on to TMS. I do hope that pain goes away tho, wouldn’t wish it to my worst enemy (been there), and sorry for the long post, haha.

Hazy Day Sunflower 12/20/2015 - 11:52 pm

I am so glad you are trying out TMS. It’s fairly new but has really promising results for individuals with treatment resistant depression.

True story: It took me 10 years, 3 schools, 4 separate attempt at attending school, one major change, 1 husband and 1 baby for me to finish college. My mental health was fairly sketchy during this whole time, I swung between highs and lows. But finishing gave me a sense of accomplishment few things have, because I didn’t let me mental health issues stop me from finally completing something in my life. I fought my mental illness, still do daily.

You can do this. Just the fact you are here on this help site talking says volumes about how proactive you are being.

brokenandbent30 12/22/2015 - 8:51 am

Funny how you think a person is perfect for you, but when it’s over, you realize it was all wrong. Reminds me of the Joseph Gordon-Levitt movie 500 Days Of Summer. He was head over heels for her, but he didn’t see all the signs that she wasn’t really into him until he reflected after the breakup.

You’ll find someone even better. You’re just hung up on this particular girl right now. Congrats on going to school. I know you feel you’re taking long, but you’re not. You’re still going to school and that’s something to be proud of. Think about how wonderful it will be when you’re done. A gorgeous girl on your same level will find you. No worries.

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