I’ve been so angry at my ex, sometimes to the point where I want to say or do mean things. I’ve been able resist actually saying anything (although at one point I made my friend hold onto my phone so I couldn’t text her).
But in the last few day I’ve been feeling a little less angry, just so incredibly sad (although I expect the anger to return periodically). I miss her and everything we had. I miss the future I thought we’d have together. I miss having someone who knew me as well as she did, someone who is my best friend, who I can trust to always be there for me.
I’m sad (and angry at times) that I felt like I was so close to being truly happy for the first time I can remember- I’d finally be not depressed (or significantly less so) and have my life situation be good at the same time. I feel like she stole this from me.
It feels impossible that I’ll ever find someone I love as much as her. I want a companion that I can share my life with. Who I’ll want to have kids with. That’s what I want in my future and I’m afraid I’ll never have it.
I’m angry about my life. Depression stole so much from me. I know I’m not old, but I feel like I’m so behind. I’m still working on my bachelors and I’ve been in school for the last 7 years- with the depression and anxiety I’ve had to take medical withdrawals and drop classes. It wouldn’t be as bad if I’d been working too- I know a lot of people take longer to get their degrees because they also have to work full time- but I haven’t. I would want to work, but I’m not sure I can even hold down a job. It might be hard for me even to find a job at all because my resume is so empty.
Depression also makes it hard to make friends. Which I really need right now because I don’t have any local friends. But it’s hard to be interesting and sociable when I feel so badly. It’s also hard to just go places sometimes (especially if I have to drive) with my anxiety.
At least the TMS is doing something, and quicker than all the studies I’ve read about it say. Results aren’t expected until three or four weeks, but I’ve felt effects in only a few days and I feel calmer and less anxious right after the treatments. I still feel sad I won’t get to experience being with the woman I love while being less depressed, but feeling less depressed (even while grieving) should make it easier to make friends. I hope.