Can’t process…

I can’t fully process it all. Life is changing so fast. There’s still no long term security. It’s still week to week and not knowing if I’ll have somewhere to live in April. So I’m a full card carrying member of SGI and I’m going to be given a bunch of photos to make a video presentation for them, at least locally I mean, to be shown at the local center. They find out what you can do quick. Lol. At my second job I’ll get 15 hrs a week and have the title of program coordinator. It all sounds fancy. I can’t believe I have a job at all, let alone I’ve had these two jobs for a year now. It keeps echoing in my mind how I was always told I was stupid and worthless growing up. I didn’t think I’d ever see myself in this position. I know I just started with the Buddhism but I believe this is the benefit they talk about. It’s not easy either because I have to change as a person. To be better, to move on, and to be who I’m supposed to be in this world, I really have to let got of what and who I thought I was. I know it means finding out who SP is supposed to be because I’m not SC anymore and I can’t keep hanging on tryin gnome to have SC’s life under the name SP. I have to let go of the love of my life and the idea of ever being loved. I’ve been getting the message lately that my life’s purpose is to be heard and I’m going to end up in some position where I will use my voice for a living. I have no idea what that means or how to get there. It’s just one of the many messages I get while chanting. Years ago I’d have scoffed and criticized this all as utter bullshit. But yeah I guess you can’t expect positive with a negative mind. So it is a lot of change. I can’t process it all.