so i mentioned in an earlier post today and i try not to post more than once a day. but i thought i was fine after i swerved off the road and spun the car and whatever but im not. im fine physically. but i had to go in a car for a half hour twice today and the first time i was just trying not to cry, and i thought it was because of all the terrible shit happening in my life recently and the fact that i was going to come back down on thursday and see the one person who i know can make me feel like im in control and that i can survive, but i can’t anymore. but the second time i got in the car i almost started crying again and now im realizing its because im terrified of getting back in the car. i thought i was fine but every so often today when my mind wanders it repeats the things i remember when i lost control of my car. the feeling that i couldn’t do anything to stop the car from swerving into the bushes and spinning. and i don’t want to get back in a car again. whether im driving or someone else is. i don’t want to get back in a car. but in about 2 hours i have to. in two hours my brother is driving me back up to college because i have classes tomorrow and i don’t know if i won’t freak out in the car.
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so i might have to drive myself to go to a restaurant to get them to hire me back as a host because im moving back in with my parents soon and my sister texted one of the managers and they want to hire me back but i have to go in and talk to them and im only in town for the rest of tonight and my parents don’t really want to drive me and i dont want to make them because they were just at my aunts house whose son killed himself so i don’t want them to be put out more because i have to go talk to my old manager.
One would hope your reaction is just a light and temporary form of PTSD. After all, the accident just happened a couple days ago.
I can kind of relate, though. In 1989, I slammed my motorcycle at about 50mph into the side of a 70s Ford Thunderbird. While I somehow limped away from the accident and bought another bike with the insurance money, I ultimately sold it. I didn’t feel comfortable riding after that and I even had something akin to “sensory flashbacks” of the impact of striking the car. I would hope that if I were to get another cycle today, those would be significantly weaker today. There’s no doubt that the brain will register the memory of a major emotional impact.
I hope that in the coming days and weeks, you’re able to get back behind the wheel without the strong reaction you’ve been experiencing.