I get a bit depressed any time I’m away from the other Buddhists. I mean, it’s exhausting for me mentally and physically to chant for 6 hours on Sundays. That was just today. Its normally 2 hours and even then I feel I’m about to pass out. My disabilities get in the way of everything in life. The worst part is when you’re poor, you can’t get anyone to say you’re disabled, because they don’t want you to get any benefits. A middle class or rich person who went through what I went through would have been handed a wheelchair from day 1. I was basically kicked out of the hospital and told that I’d be alright. Anyone else living with the pain I’m I would kill themselves just because of that alone. I can’t even go shopping for myself because I need a wheelchair and t he cheap ass stores I go to don’t have wheelchairs and aren’t accessible anyway. You’d have to be rich to be disabled, because only the fancy newer condos have elevators, feels like 95% of housing in Chicago isn’t acessible. My hands go panfully numb all the time and I can’t breathe to keep up with chanting as fast as everyone else does it. I have obvious nerve damage and nerve issues but I can’t do anything about it beyond take a nerve pill which doesn’t seem like it does shit for me anymore. I’ve been living with it for 17 years. A friend of mine who had her back injury only a year ago whose parents are rich gets the best care and gets to be declared disabled but I dont. Being poor, my doctors not even allowed to diagnose me with fibromyalgia though he thinks I have that among pinched nerves. Our hands are tied as you can only have one GP so you have to choose between being on hormones or getting other healthcare. So in that case, being transgender and disabled and poor is a tri-fold screw over. I’ve been trying to fight my pain all this time, thinking I’d beat it eventually. But days like today I feel like I’m going to drop dead because I’m in so much excruciating, agonizing, unimaginable pain that I just can’t take. Enough to make you want to die.