I feel weird.
Still grieving the loss of my fiance. Still feeling the anxiety and physical pain that comes with it. Still having moments where I feel like I can’t breathe because I think about her and how everything we had is gone. I alternate between feeling incredibly sad and angry. I miss her so much, she’s my best friend, but then I’m angry too, feeling so betrayed that she could even do this.
Then there’s the TMS. I only just started the treatments this week and everything I’ve read about it says that results aren’t seen until about three weeks in. And yet I feel different. It could be so many different things- maybe I’m starting to adjust to no longer having my fiance around- but it feels like, maybe, if I weren’t currently grieving, that my depression might feel a tad better.
I’m still devastated. I want our life together so badly. I felt so lucky to have found a woman like her, someone who matched me so well it seemed impossible. I don’t know if I’ll ever find a woman who matches me as well as her. I want a companion, someone to share my life with, and who someday I’d have a family with and grow old with until we die together in some kind of nursing home. But I’m scared it won’t happen.
But I’m also feeling that I will be okay, eventually. I knew this, factually, but couldn’t feel it before. I am still feeling so incredibly sad about everything I’ve lost but yet, at the same time… It’s like dysthymia, except instead of background sadness, it’s background optimism. And let me tell you, no one who knows me would accuse me of being an optimist.
I wish I had started the TMS sooner. Then at least my last few months with my fiance would’ve been happier. We might’ve still been together even- not that my health was the reason she broke up with me, but my declining health coupled with hers certainly added stress. She probably would have still left me, but maybe she would’ve tried couples counseling first. I don’t think I’d be so angry and hurt if we had- then it would’ve felt like she fought for us, that we fought for us. I know, factually, she tried as hard as she felt she could. But that just doesn’t feel good enough to me- it doesn’t feel like she tried, it feels like she ran away.