Feeling Crazy

I’ve said numerous times that I felt crazy, but nothing compares to this.

I feel so impulsive it scares me, like I can barely control myself.  The anxiety is near constant and so overwhelming that my body becomes s0 physically agitated that I can’t stand it- at times I’ll cry and clutch my stomach, writhing in mental and sometimes physical pain.

I am so angry and sad and betrayed and- it feels like there is too much going on in my head.  I know, rationally, I don’t want to lash out in anger, but the urge and pain is so strong.  I know, rationally, that I could get through this, but I feel so broken that I just don’t care.  Throughout the years, no matter how bad the depression got, I still had the desire to be happy.  I wanted it.  But now?  I don’t feel like I want it.  I feel done. Too tired to care or be willing to start over.

I want the life I had with my fiance.  She is so permanent to me that her leaving feels as painful and unbelieveable as if a close sibling suddenly decided they never wanted to see me again.  I thought we were that kind of family- that there was no just leaving me. I believed I was permanent.  Now I’ve been turned into just another ex, where eventually the memories and love for me will fade and I’ll be replaced by another woman, a woman who gets to have the life that I feel should be mine.  I want my life with her, not some other life.

I’m angry her abusive brother gets to have this happy life with his wife and baby on the way (even though he should never be responsible for a child) while what he’s done destroys my ex and mine’s life.  This anger makes me want to lash out in horrible ways.  I could destroy her family life and relationships (even with each other) with just a simple e-mail.  She’s rejected me as family, so she should have to deal with her family as they really are, with all the secrets and passive aggressive bullshit out in the open.  And I want her brother to hurt, to finally get some kind of punishment for what he’s done, for what he is.  I’m afraid I’ll do it, that maybe when I see her again she’ll say something that upsets me.  Right now, just writing this, I feel so angry I want to do it.  I don’t feel like I care.  I know rationally I shouldn’t do it- it would be the worst thing I’ve ever done.  But I feel so crazy.  I don’t care how I fuck everything up.  I have nothing left to lose.

I want to scratch my skin off now I’m so agitated. I know I don’t want to cause my ex pain, but yet I do.  This tearing me apart.

I wish I were brave enough to kill myself.  I’d feel bad for my parents, but I just don’t want to exist anymore.  I’m tired of trying.  And if I’m dead, I can’t say anything to hurt my ex-fiance, then maybe I’d die without being a horrible person and my ex can remember me that the amazing girlfriend that I was.