Go to bed wanting to die, wake up wanting to die

That’s how it goes. I’m not looking for sympathy or empathy or anything really, just felt like finally posting something after being registered for such a long while and not doing anything with it.

My stories the same as most, severe depression since I was young, when my mom got injured at work and I basically lost her, at least in my mind how it felt. She was a single mom so with no one else there to help us, it was up to me to take care of everything. That wasn’t so bad really, I liked the responsibility.

Fast forward a few years, I’m 12 or so and everything hits me like a ton of bricks. I started cutting, experimenting with drugs and alcohol etc. Went through my bouts of alcoholism and self harm. I tried to off myself quite a few times back then, but never truly wanted to I suppose. No, I DID want to, I just never really went all the way, I mostly just played with it. Ended up in the hospital multiple times over the next 5 years.

Then my grandma, who I was living with at the time, and took on the role of mother and caregiver, died right in front of me and my grandpa out of nowhere. The paramedics couldn’t revive her, and we had to make the decision at the hospital to pull the plug, she was brain dead so we didn’t really have a choice. Only me and my grandpa stayed when they did that. Never knew what people meant when they talked about a “death rattle”, now I do.

Moved back in with my mom, was ok for a while, but I just couldn’t. Anger issues, loss, all that shit caused me to get kicked out. Moved back a year later and have been staying with her since. Now that I’m older I have a little more respect and understanding, and know that I can’t blame anyone else for my situation, when I have the power to change it now. I’m speaking specifically to my situation, for anyone who had to deal with physical abuse etc, I may think differently.

I’m 21 now, and I’ve been through every kind of counseling I could find, every med I could, groups, schools, blah blah, and the feelings always come rushing back. Now that I’m older, I know that if I ever do decide to exit, I wont be playing at it anymore. If I’m going to do it, I’m going to do it. I’m still holding on to hope, hope that I can change myself, my maladaptive coping mechanisms and thought processes. I still have good days, but I always know they’re going to end. I just don’t have any energy or strength left. I’m tired of putting on a brave face. I’m going to try reaching out again, but if theres one thing I’ve learned from my past experiences, its that people cant help you in the way the way that you help yourself.

Deep down I don’t really want to get better, because I have felt “better” before, and I didn’t know who I was. Then this comes back and I feel whole again, at the same time feeling broken and empty. Its a paradox I guess, but I’ve never known anything but. I’m still young, I know, that’s why I’m not making any life or death decisions yet. I don’t know how much longer I can hold on to hope though. I just don’t want to be here anymore. Breathing is hard enough some days. But anyways, I’m not really sure where I was going with this. I guess I just felt like writing, and my journals full so. Hope everyone here is doing ok, as ok as can be expected around here, and hope everyone makes it through the holidays, including myself. I know I’m not the only one who noticed a spike in notes and such as this time of year comes around. Though I guess that’s just common knowledge, statistic wise. Morning.