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How?

by insignificant02

How?

I dont understand.

It’s become a part of me and who I am.

Without it I dont know who I’d be.

So how?

After so long, how do I just stop cutting. How do I stop longing to feel the blade and see the blood.

How do I do that?

How do I just give up what makes me, me.

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12 comments

hurtpeoplehurtpeople 12/7/2015 - 5:15 pm

I stopped by being fully present and aware of my actions. That is also how I got over 12’years of bulimia, alcoholism and moderate drug use. When I would feel the urge to self destruct I would read, or paint, or scream inside my head, tell myself NO, think of the ways it was destroying me and how I just wanted it to stop. I listened an audio book by Thich Nhat Hahn as suggested by my therapist and it really was a saving grace. It was about mindfulness. Being fully present. Taught me how to meditate, really meditate by allowing thoughts to come if they want to, then exit out the back. Like just observe them, have no reaction to them, and let them go. I still use that technique today to help me stay on track.. The hard part is that I want to self destruct still, but I won’t let myself because it never even worked and only added more problems to the problems I wanted to go away.

bruiseviolet 12/7/2015 - 5:26 pm

It is so crazy how much you have been through and survived. Not just survived but recovered from all these things and cancer and yet you replied in a comment to me that you feel like a failure. That is just mad. You have overcome soooo much, you’re a freakin’ champion not a failure! I can imagine that you are sick and tired of life and fighting but still, give yourself some credit? You are amazing, really.

hurtpeoplehurtpeople 12/7/2015 - 5:47 pm

Aw bruiseviolet you’ve made me cry!! Thank you so much for your kind words. It’s just, I live at my parents because I can’t stay at jobs I’ve tried to work from home but I’m making no money. I am trying to get out of an abusive relationship or at least figure out how to make it better. I feel like real life, the stuff I need to do to be a responsible adult and take care of myself is out of my reach. Yes I’ve fought to get this far with all of the roadblocks along my path but now I feel like I’ve gotten here – for what. I feel old. Broken down. Like there was no light at the end of the tunnel. No point to any of it. Always afraid that the cancer will come back. It’s no way to live.

bruiseviolet 12/7/2015 - 6:06 pm

Sorry that I made you cry! I lived with in-laws for 2 years when I was about your age (I’m 42 now). It was terrible and I did feel like a failure, living in a bedroom, having meals cooked for me, laundry done for me. It was pretty awful and depressing so I get how you feel about that. Try and be good to yourself and not blame yourself for everything. You’re doing a good job at surviving life even though it doesn’t feel like it. Try not to judge yourself so harshly 🙁

hurtpeoplehurtpeople 12/7/2015 - 10:06 pm

Thank you so much your words mean more than you may know. My ex would constantly call me lazy, guilt me, threaten to leave me, have all these negative things to say to me.. But our problems were all my fault because of my emotional issues apparently. It was toxic and unhealthy. It really affected my self esteem and outlook on life. He and I have broken up for the bazillionth time and truthfully I hope this is the last time. I will miss the good times but I can’t take the verbal abuse anymore. He and I are just too different.

bruiseviolet 12/8/2015 - 2:29 am

Well done for leaving him. My husband’s usual insult for me (besides a million words that basically translate to *****) is pathetic and I suppose he is right because he has been calling me that for six years and I am still with him, eugh. I’ve got nowhere to go and he is handicapped and sick so leaving him would be cruel. Sometimes we get on okay for a few months and then it all turns bad again. What a trap. Eugh.

hurtpeoplehurtpeople 12/7/2015 - 5:24 pm

I’m not going to lie and tell you it was easy, to just knock what felt like lifesavers out from under me, but it was necessary, and we can always improve and get to a better frame of mind than what we have been suffering through. I’m better of than I was then (teens/early 20s) but I still have far to go until I’m where I want to be. That both inspires me and terrifies me knowing that I don’t seem to have what it takes to rise out of an oppressed frame of mind. Such a battle.

Hazy Day Sunflower 12/7/2015 - 7:57 pm

I don’t have a clue, my hands look like a murder scene tonight.

insignificant02 8/20/2019 - 9:02 am

are you still on here hazy?

hurtpeoplehurtpeople 12/7/2015 - 10:07 pm

Sorry to hog your posy insignificant02. How are you feeling tonight ?

hurtpeoplehurtpeople 12/7/2015 - 10:17 pm

Hog your post*

bruiseviolet 12/8/2015 - 2:36 am

Oops, yes, sorry insig, that was my bad rambling away on your comments section. I do know people that have stopped cutting but I don’t know how exactly they did it. I have read about the butterfly project and also holding ice cubes when you want to cut but I don’t know how effective those things are in the long term. Mindfulness a hphp said would have to be helpful and I guess CBT would help if you could get into a reasonable headspace to apply it.

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