It’s as if all I can do is cry.
Even just spending maybe two hours with my family for Christmas was hard. Pretending to be okay even though I feel like half my family is missing- how could I be spending Christmas without her?
How could I be spending my life without her?
It still feels unreal; I think of her, of memories with her and I can’t believe that she could leave me. She called me her wife. She said I was for forever. I just can’t get over the idea that she’s gone. The idea that she could leave me, that we wouldn’t be together, was (is?) unfathomable.
I feel so empty and lonely without her.
She really is the best thing to have ever happened to me. After being depressed for so long and other awful things, meeting her, falling in love with her- even though I was still depressed, I felt like I had finally gotten a break. I finally got to experience something good: being with the woman of my dreams. I felt, even as awful as my depression and anxiety was, that I had something wonderful in my life. My three years with her are the happiest I’ve been that I can remember (due also in part to finding a medication that helped for the first time ever). I felt so lucky that I had found the person I was going to spend my life with. The person who’d always be there for me.
It felt like the first time I got to have something good in my life. To only have it ripped away is devastating.