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I can only cry

by evildandelions

It’s as if all I can do is cry.

Even just spending maybe two hours with my family for Christmas was hard. Pretending to be okay even though I feel like half my family is missing- how could I be spending Christmas without her?

How could I be spending my life without her?

It still feels unreal; I think of her, of memories with her and I can’t believe that she could leave me.  She called me her wife.  She said I was for forever.  I just can’t get over the idea that she’s gone. The idea that she could leave me, that we wouldn’t be together, was (is?) unfathomable.

I feel so empty and lonely without her.

She really is the best thing to have ever happened to me.  After being depressed for so long and other awful things, meeting her, falling in love with her- even though I was still depressed, I felt like I had finally gotten a break.  I finally got to experience something good: being with the woman of my dreams. I felt, even as awful as my depression and anxiety was, that I had something wonderful in my life.  My three years with her are the happiest I’ve been that I can remember (due also in part to finding a medication that helped for the first time ever).  I felt so lucky that I had found the person I was going to spend my life with.  The person who’d always be there for me.

It felt like the first time I got to have something good in my life.  To only have it ripped away is devastating.

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4 comments

brokenandbent30 12/26/2015 - 3:35 am

I’m sorry you’re really hurting. When relationships don’t work out (and they usually don’t), it makes me wonder if it was even worth it in the first place. I mean, being in love is a drug and a wonderful feeling, but when it’s all over, you want to die. I don’t know if it’s worth it anymore. Romantic words don’t hold much weight with me anymore because people tell you anything you want to hear and act like they will always be there, but they can abandon you in the blink of an eye. Then after time passes, it’s like the relationship never happened. Almost like it didn’t exist and you never knew the person. Nothing but a vague memory.

I’m rambling, but I really feel for you.

theWhispersOfMySins 12/26/2015 - 3:46 am

It is hard to get over someone. But you seem strong, hang in there. Oneday you will look back on the good memories and smile, and when you look back at the sad ones they won’t hurt anymore. It will take some time but it will happen. Meantime, we are always here to listen. hugs.

Hazy Day Sunflower 12/26/2015 - 1:07 pm

This is so sad. Keep talking, it gets better.

tiredthoughts 12/26/2015 - 5:18 pm

– evildandilion. I feel like you write as if you know what is exactly on my mind, how I think and feel. I’m sorry you feel this way. I hope no one has to feel like me.
-brokennbent you write so true too.

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