So I thought I could hold my stuff together long enough to visit family without some sort of break down. I was wrong. About an hour into it, my step grandmother tried to take my picture. I just wasn’t in the mood or spirit as I’ve been really depressed lately. After begging her not to, she did anyways. And I’m very self conscious and I know I’m not good looking. I struggle with this a lot. How I perceive myself and how others see and view me. Needless to say all these feelings of emptiness and sadness rushed to the surface in the form of tears the second she snapped that picture. And I instantly felt like such an idiot in front of my family and guests.
And in front of everyone, I couldn’t have felt anymore alone than I did tonight watching everyone else. I see my sister and brother in law and their almost 2 year old daughter. They have so much of what I want. The love of a spouse, the family, the passion for success and a future. Then there’s my brother and his fiance, soon to be married. And they’re both so talented in their field. And as I kept going around I realized everyone had something great going on. I’m extremely happy for all of them, sure a little envious, but they deserve it. And as I kept looking around the room, something stood out.
While everyone’s life is falling into place, mine is falling into pieces. And I don’t know why, but whenever I leave my family after a visit, even if I saw them the day before, I cry afterwards. Whats wrong with me.
Anyways, I hope you all have had a good safe Christmas Eve. And if you’ve had a day like me, here’s to sleep with the promise of a better tomorrow. Better yet, can I hibernate for a few weeks?
5 comments
Aww. Merry Christmas. I hope you can find some peaceful moments to enjoy. It will be over soon. Such a difficult time of year for anyone not feeling up to it. Hang on in there and it will be gone for another year soon enough. *hugs*
Whew. Man. Yeah, I can relate to this one, that’s for sure. Nothing quite so lonely and somber as watching and observing the lives of others, inevitably comparing them with your own. Wondering what could have been, what is, what will be. With nothing like the holidays to bring that together into one direct injection of self-reflection and possible self-loathing. The happy couples, the babies fresh with new life and sweet ignorance, the old and the young on display in this little melting pot of life.
I don’t know where I’m going with this, only that… it can be difficult for me to not tear up at times like this as well. Good luck with the rest of the holidays, AS. And know that you’re not the only one reflecting, somberly but sure as hell not soberly if I can help it, on the season and all that it brings.
I guess i relate to that too. Most of the times that i’m forced to have social interaction with my family i realize how much of a failure i am. I have relatives that are rude, obnoxious and not very bright people overall, and even they have a significant other in their life, a good job, a house, and all of that. And there i am, alone, sick, with a sporadic job that you couldn’t even consider one, yet i was always “the bright” one (according to them, i never agreed on that one). Go figure.
Like TheRiver says is difficult not to compare and feel bad on that kind of situation, but i guess that while we’re still alive we never know what’s going to happen, so we might eventually get there… right? i mean, if we never do, it’s better to fail knowing that we tried instead of never trying (imho). I also sort of don’t know were i’m going with this (since it hit hard), but well… i guess i wish you good luck to you and TheRiver too. It sure ain’t easy dealing with this kind of stuff, but luckily it’s just a couple of weeks.
Hey there,
Yep, it’s pretty lonely if you aren’t feeling the holidays. I haven’t felt the holidays in years, and it’s pretty tough when you see everyone enjoying themselves, and you just aren’t. It’s not that I hate Christmas, or hate people, because in fact, I don’t. I just haven’t felt jolly inside during these holiday seasons, I guess.
So in writing this, I just want to let you know that you are not alone. Try to find something that will make you smile or laugh. Maybe that will help? Do you have a good friend who will just listen and be there for you? If so, try talking to them, and seeing what happens.
Email me if you would like: brl.cents@gmail.com
Nothing is wrong with you, you are simply human.