I don’t understand why I let her in again. It took less than 24 hours for me to fall back under her spell. I have no power in this relationship- I never have. When I left her ten months ago, I slowly started to gain my self-confidence and independence back. But four days ago, I let her back into my life. I am weak again, and I just want her to hold me and run her fingers through my hair. I am so close to my 1000th day of not self-harming, and I have not stopped thinking about cutting since I started talking to her again. What the fuck is wrong with me? I shouldn’t be talking to her and flirting with her again. I should be ignoring her and focusing on my achievement. I gave up self-harming for her. So every single day, when I think about how far I’ve come, I think of her. And then I feel like I want to cut more. So what the fuck am I doing? Should I just cut and feel better? Or should I hold out for my 1000th day?
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4 comments
Ten months ago? Wow. I’m on a short lunch break and only read your post once. You don’t know who you are without her? Sounds to me like she’s got you wound around her finger. What’s your plan? What do you want out of it? Where do you think/want/hope to go with it? What was she doing that ten months you two were away from each other? What was her reason for getting back into it? Some “food for thought”.
You should drop her. I mean, i might be wrong here, but i’m assuming she abuses her power in the relationship and do crazy stuff (and not in a good way) to you? if that’s the case… make your priority to continuing to be clean of self-harming and ditch her. I mean, sure, it’s normal to lose some independence when you’re with someone, but if you’re cutting and lose yourself completely into that relationship… that’s sounds like a pretty toxic relationship.
As to why you’re talking with her again, only you can answer that, but i’d say holiday’s blues are a mindfuck for everyone. You did left her for a reason, and unless that reason changed… well, you know what i mean there.
All I can say is break free while you still can, before its too late and she messes you up once again.
Run!!
Can’t lose the opportunity to use this: youtube.com/watch?v=j9OAfOwTZaU