I complain about my job all the time and I’m sorry. But today I came across some new things.
Today, I had access to Z’s computer. I looked through her IM’s between her and T and they’re all complaining about me or making fun of me.
They would call me stupid, but they’re the ones who would expect me to read their minds and know how to do something I’ve never been trained in. They would belittle my work and say I was basically doing nothing but sitting on my ass, but they clearly don’t care if it’s work our boss gave me to do. They would talk about how much they hate me and wish I were fired, but they obviously don’t understand I am this way because of how they treat me. They would talk about how much they wish they could scream at me, but they don’t know I’m having a rough day and how hard it was to do anything, let alone come into work. They talked about how much time I’ve missed within the year, and it was nearly two full work weeks (one of which I had in vacation/sick time and the other I made up most of my hours), but I think roughly 49 weeks out of 52 weeks present is pretty good, considering I didn’t even want to be alive at any point within that 52. They would laugh at me whenever I’d be out sick, but they didn’t know I’d be at home trying to talk myself out of killing myself.
They broke me. They really did. I remember how optimistic and excited I felt when I started here, and it makes me feel worse. I can’t believe I let them do this to me. I was so much better before this place. How can they be so okay with tearing people down the way they do. Stripping people of their will to live.
I am the lioness. They are the poisonous snakes. They don’t deserve to be the lion. They were never as strong as I was. They are cowards. They only have their poison to take down others and they hide behind it. If they find anyone who is better than them, they use it, and they use it well. I had my sheer strength, power, and confidence to get through. I had so much going for me, until they used their poison against me. Everyday, they wore me down until I found myself a helpless, dying lion. They drained all my strength, my power, and my confidence. If it weren’t for their poison, they wouldn’t have made it to where they are now. Everyone else would’ve taken them down, or put them in a cage as their pet. Yeah, if they bit it would hurt, but you’d get over it. No matter how strong the lion, they aren’t resilient to poison.
I know it sounds ridiculous to want to kill yourself over a job or a couple of no self-esteem bitches, but when you get attacked everyday, there’s going to be a point where you can’t fight back anymore, you find yourself no longer able to stand, you can barely crawl away, suddenly you realize you haven’t moved in days, then you find yourself no longer breathing. How are people so okay with ruining everyone…