I was thinking..

To the best of my memory, this is how it went. Over a year ago, I typed something to the effect of “I want to suffer” into Google, searching desperately for people who felt like me. For someone to help me put words to the wordless screaming in my head.
I wasn’t looking for methods, at least not the first time. Maybe methods of self-torture. But not suicide methods.
Anyway, after keying in probably hundreds of variations of “I want to suffer a slow and agonizing death”, I found two posts on SP. I can remember them both pretty well. The first was a dude basically saying that he found intense joy in other people’s misfortune, wanted to be the God of suffering, etc. Pretty intense stuff. The second was another guy talking about how he wanted to die in agony for purportedly ruining his ex gf’s life and was going to go out and buy himself some Drain-o to drink. He later changed his mind, with the help of the denizens of SP.

I didn’t return to the site until only a few months ago. I think I joined because I figured it couldn’t do me any harm, and, what the fck else was I supposed to do? I hadn’t had any meaningful human contact in ages and was filled with utter rage and disillusionment with life. That night, I wrote a long and rambling post about my impotent, frothing-at-the-mouth blind fury, and ended the post basically saying “yeah, I’m gonna plunge my brother’s knife into my gut tonight. Wish me luck.”

Strangely, though, I never posted it. Nor did I plunge my brother’s knife into my gut. Instead, I waited almost two days to make my first post, and it had nothing to do with my first draft at all.

I fell in love very quickly with the community here. To say why would take an entire post in itself.
Would I be dead if it weren’t for SP? Very, very likely.