I wish I was swallowed

When the tides of life sweep you up like a tsunami no matter how good the ship is you either abandon it or drown but that is a joke because they are one in the same.  I tried I really did but this year I am going to kill myself. I feel 5 years past due with the first attempt being at 15 now at 20 I am still plagued by all of my past grievances plus adult issues and I realize it’s a never ending shit show.  When you go day by day making up excuses to live you just kinda start to wonder what is all the fuss about?  Procreation? I’d never forgive myself if I forced another soul into this world.  I wish my mother had some consideration and swallowed me.