Intermittent Joy

I am momentarily happy, made some good decisions, while also being a bit impulsive. Of course the impulsive is a negative thing, but I am generally deluded, so I think I have it under control. It’s a flaw in judgement and inhibition, as if the impulse center in my brain has grown rabid, viciously pursuing euphoric pleasure or joy. However, I find that I am very capable of redeveloping that self control, seems tonight taught me a lot of things.

I found out that living in a hedonistic capricious way is liberating, and it allows you to stifle the constricting grip of life’s hardship. The problem is, if your issues saturate your entire being, then it’s difficult to stop the constant need for that release. Continuously slapping the pleasure button, no matter what the device, is something that can’t be maintained for long. When your emotions mitigate your self control you’re not yourself and, it’s easy to succumb to toxic releases to nullify your disgust for the world or even yourself.

I find that this mindless decision making metastasizes as apathy sets in, you no long use foresight, and your primary goal is to feel anything. So you begin to rely on the release, and moderation quickly becomes a daily regimented repetitive fixation. I feel like I am transitioning out of a few of those things lately, but conversely I feel my self just drifting into another caustic lifestyle.

All things considered, there is some hope. I have support, I have people I love. I feel different, although that could just be intermittent joy, but at least I feel positive in such a dark time. It’s strange how you feel most positive about your biggest insecurities and fears after toppling one of your inner demons. Just to see the evidence to support the fact that you might not suck is fantastical in such an encouraging and inspiring way. you are learning, and life is a struggle that you can handle.

Who knows though, honestly with this very ephemeral intermittent joy I will probably be posting in an hour shouting “doomdoomdoom”, like a mentally ill homeless man who has predicted the end of the world.

Eh, oh well.