“IT”, is something that I think about all the time. Every day and every night IT is on my mind. I’m not sure if IT is something that I want to do, or something that would help relieve that darkness that I feel. IT, is a word that I can’t say without feeling sick to my stomach. I want to cry whenever I think of IT. But just for your information, “IT” = Suicide.
I’m not too sure that IT is something that I want to do. All I know is that I want to disappear. I want to disappear from my family, my friends, my job, my existence. It’s hard to think of IT because my life isn’t all that bad, I have a normal family, with the normal ups and downs, I have a small group of close friends and 1 best friend who I can always rely on, and a pretty cool job. A normal person, or maybe just anyone who has more and deeper issues than me would think that my life is great. But I want to rid myself of the being that is me.
I’ve only attempted IT once, in a stupid way I guess. I tried to drink myself away in college, sort of making a game of drinking with my friends, but drinking a lot more than them. All it did was give me a terrible hangover. I know. That’s stupid. But, I just want to disappear or do IT, without any pain and without it being someone else’s problem to deal with. I think I would prefer if I was never born maybe. I try to be a good person, I am a good person. I have my asshole times but who doesn’t. (My eyes are watering now that I’m finally releasing all of this). But overall, I’m a really nice guy and always want to help. I want people to like me and to come to me for things . I want to know that I have a bigger purpose on this earth.
I’m the youngest of three boys in my family, and to be honest, I’m the only son who has done everything that a parent could want of their child. I always maintained good grades throughout school. Went to a great college, and have a great job. But I don’t feel like anyone notices. I just want some consideration for all of the hard work that I’ve been in to make sure that I wasn’t wasting what my parents have put out for me to have. My oldest brother is doing okay, but not nearly as good as he should be doing at his age. The middle brother went to a good school but after he graduated, he didn’t even bother to pursue a career in his field, he’s back in retail. A good retail place, making good money. But me, I did everything right.
I’m 23 years old now. I’ve been thinking of IT, since I was 17. I just want it all to end. Many people are afraid to die, and so was I back then, but now if something caused me to die, I wouldn’t be angry, I’d wonder what took so long. I don’t want to do IT. I just want to freely disappear with no worries hanging over my shoulder. I want to be gone! If there was any way that I could close my eyes after this as I go to sleep and have that be it, I’d do it. I’m not needed here. I love that I was given the opportunity to live as a being on this Earth, but can’t I grow to decide whether I want to continue being here or not? I can’t go on feeling the way I’m feeling and have that be my life. I’m depressed, and I hide it everyday because who will actually look at me and say it’s okay. I’ve sought help, and got criticized by my family for it so I had to stop. They don’t realize that I need to figure this out for myself and all of the added pressure and stress is drowning me in a pool of horrible thoughts that will lead me to do IT one day.
Ive given myself a date, my 33rd birthday (33 being my favorite number), that’s 10 years from now. May 22, 2025, I’m giving myself enough time to get my shit together. But honestly, no matter where I’m at in life, it could be my peak. If I’m not happy with who I am than IT will officially come knocking on my door and I will open it.
-M
4 comments
Existential crisis suck. They suck at 23, they suck at 47. I say ignore your idiot family and go back to see a professional. It sounds like you may have a chemical imbalance that the right medication may help. 23 is a tough year to be alive. One foot in youth, one in adulthood and absolutely no road map. Everyone declares you adult but no one tell you what that means. I was a total trainwreck at 23 and didn’t think I’d make it to 25….then 30…..then 40….now I don’t have an expiration date which I guess takes me off the dairy shelf and puts me up in the cabinet with the dishes…or the whisky. Not sure which.
Anyway, what you are going through is fairly typical, not to say that how you are feeling is typical or that you are in any way not a wonderful unique individual who is suffering. You are none and all of those things. I like that you are giving yourself 10 years. You are being very reasonable with yourself. Make a checklist and try everything. Counseling, Buddhism, sweatlodge, meaningless sex, meaningful relationships….try everything and anything just to make sure you didn’t leave anything out so when you turn 30 if the emptiness is still there you can at least look your soul in the heart and know you are taking the correct final step.
Oh and keep talking to us here. Many of us have been standing right where you are right now and totally understand. Everyone will read this but there are many who are too lost, sad or confused to post anything. Trust that what you write resonates with someone here, perhaps many people. Talking helps and walking forward. Who you will be in 10 years is waiting for you to take his hand, and trust me, he loves you.
To add to what HDS said above (which is pretty much almost everything that could be said… lol)… yeah, being 23 is tough, but being 23 in the current state the world is? … pure chaos. It wasn’t easy being 23 10 years go, it’s even worse now.
That said, you could add me to the “i won’t live past *insert number*” thing, and if i’ve gathered something from those years: it’s better to try everything before that date comes. It’s likely that enough things might change along the way and make you move that date (for sooner or later), but if you exhaust everything at least you’ll be sure about your choice (whatever that is) when the moment comes.
This is exactly how I feel right now at 24. I hope things have turned around for you since you wrote this post.