It’s all too much to handle alone

You have to try not to give attention to those feelings of shame or being weak and pathetic. Suicide is a hard subject for people to understand and a lot of people will react badly, but none of those things are true. All feeling suicidal shows is that you’re suffering a lot. There’s no weakness in that and it isn’t being dramatic. I hope you can get past the embarrassment to keep writing here and reaching out. It does help not to be alone in this.

Your boyfriend cheating on you isn’t your fault. You might not treat people as well as you could, but that doesn’t make you a failure. You’re impatient and stressed because you’re in a lot of pain and under lots of pressure. Your weight is another thing that can change, but that you’re not in an ideal mindset to change. You don’t need to take responsibility for all these things or see them as permanent problems or cycles that can’t be broken. What matters now – and what could change everything else – is you feeling better. That can’t happen overnight, but reaching out and telling someone is a first step, and you’ve done that. Please don’t give up hope. People do get better, even after years of pain. You shouldn’t be ashamed to ask for help, whether it’s from doctors, friends, people on forums etc. If you’re starting to think your children would be better off without you, you really deserve to have help getting through those thoughts and the problems that are making you feel that way.